Today was a discovery day. I slept in until I had to get up and go to therapy, about 930am. Hubby woke me up when the alarm went off as a lot of time I don't hear the alarm. I got dressed, pput on my ankle sleeve and sandals and left.
I talked to Steve, my therapist, about the frequency of how often I think of suicide, most every day. Not that I plan to do it, in fact I have promised Steve, hubby and myself that I wouldn't. But I still think about it. It happens or comes to me just out of the blue sometimes. Sometimes it is triggered by my exposure to suicide. And by exposure, I mean it is either brought up by a movie (Virgin Suicides), an actual suicide of a person we know or something like that.
Steve asked me to describe how I see my relationship with suicide thoughts and I told him it's like a romance. They come on suddenly and flirt, then they cause feelings like how would hubby react if I did this? What would my daughter think? Then life goes on and I am thinking about something else. Steve told me to pray when I have such thoughts. Look at it, hold it and let it open up to me, where is the thought coming from? Am I angry? Am I feeling insignificant? Lonely? Not that I know of.
Then I went home, catching hubby mowing the backyard, so I made sandwiches for lunch. Hubby said he was overheated when he came in and couldn't eat so I put his in the fridge. When hubby took me to the Zoo at noon, he ate his sandwich on the way. We stopped at my favorite place in the world, Kum and Go. I got a Cherry Pepsi and took it with me to the Zoo. I was playing Docent holding the joey and Australian lizards again. Fun!
After 3 hours at the Zoo, I met hubby down in front of the place and we stopped at Tinseltown to get the free refill on my large popcorn, then we went home. I cleaned the rats' cage and fed them and the beasties. I was tired but happy. But my ankle was pretty sore so I went next door, talked to Rose, and cancelled walking the dogs until next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment