Today was a good day. I got up at 10am and spent a leisurely time writing my morning pages. I had a good dream about God last night. I gave birth to God. And all I had to do was have faith in my child and everything would be fine. God would glow when He was working and I would gaze at Him adoringly. What the dream meant to me is God is inside of me, inside of all of us, and all we have to do is let Him out and He will do wonderful things. It goes along with the stuff I have been learning about in The Artist's Way. God is inside of us and wants us to be creative. When we are blocked, we are standing in His way. He wants us to feel creativity flow through us and have us design, paint, write, sculpt, create art with mixed media. Whatever way we want to express God's creative gift, that's what we should be able to do. We are standing in our own way and this book will help me get out of my way.
I got dressed in my Zoo uniform and my husband drove me out to the Zoo. I was doing my shift watching the mother orangutan and her baby girl. We document her activities and how she deals with the baby. Since she had the baby, she has never put the baby girl down. She was upset when the keepers took the baby away while they did training with her to teach her to let the keepers give the baby a bottle every two hours. They fed the baby in front of her and gave her a doll and rewarded her when she would let them feed the doll. Then a week ago they gave her back the baby. She has done great since then and had no problems letting the keepers feed her. I was there to also talk to the guests and kids and tell them about Hadiah and her little girl. At one point Hadiah was holding the baby upside down and blowing raspberries on her tummy. She was examining her feet and legs and then turned her upright and stared into her eyes. Then she leaned over and kissed the baby's head. It was a funny and tender moment.
When my shift was over, I walked down to the front of the Zoo and met my hubby who drove me home. We started working on Elroy, putting the alternator in him. Elroy is my 1983 Chevy C10 pickup. We have been working on him as money would allow us to buy the parts and the weather has held out. We finally got the alternator in, it took both of us, then the belts on and the fan in. Tomorrow we are taking a trip, so will see if we get back early enough, we can put in the radiator and the fan guard. Then the true test, filling up the antifreeze and checking for leaks. This will be the second time we have installed the water pump and the first time the gasket slipped and we had a steady leak. This time we were extra careful and got a better sealant.
Tomorrow, Sunday, we are driving up to Broomfield, CO to go visit my daughter, Cassie, and her fiance, Drew. They live with his parents so all of us are going to have lunch together. Then we will visit for a little while and come back home. My neighbors are going to watch the dogs for us and let them out a couple of times. Broomfield is only about 2 hours away. I haven't seen Cassie in a couple of months and am very excited. I am also very nervous as I have gained all this weight and feel fat and ugly. I have never met Drew's parents and I feel I might be awkward with them and have a bad first impression. I am going to take an anxiety pill when we leave the house and take my crochet so I can keep my hands busy. It will give me confidence doing something I do well.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Friday, November 28, 2014
Black Friday, Friday, November 28, 2014
Today was Black Friday, what was the most popular shopping day of the year, but now with the stores doing deals on Thanksgiving itself and all weekend long, the audience participation has dimmed a little. Now I love a good deal as much as the next person but this year, I didn't even look at the ads. Some of our gifts are crocheted by me and a couple are bought. There is still a couple I need to sew. Since we are getting down to just a couple of weeks before Christmas, I have a lot of work to do!
I got up at a leisurely 10 am and did my morning pages. I did some reading of my affirmations, out loud to I could hear what I was reading. I find that if I really want to make sure I am listening to something like this, if I read it out loud, it makes a better impression on me. The same way it is easier for me to learn something, a new stitch in crochet, for example, if I can see a video demonstration rather than read it. I spent some time reading the next lesson in The Artist's Way. We are learning about Crazymakers and how they are demanding and distracting and selfish. How we fill our life with people who are probably blocked artists too and how we need to get those people out of our lives because they don't want us to be unblocked. I didn't finish the lesson, I will try to get more of it read tomorrow.
My hubby and I got out of the house in the afternoon, after all the crazy Black Friday sales were going on, and picked up a couple of things to make spaghetti for dinner. I splurged and got a small can of honey roasted peanuts and ate about half of them when we got home. So when my hubby was making dinner, I couldn't eat it. Just the smell of it was making me queasy. I am not sure why I am only eating a little bit of food but still gaining weight. I am up to 200 pounds now. I know in Weight Watchers they had us keep a food diary so we would track everything we ate. I remember I wasn't eating the right foods and not eating enough to start losing weight. So this weekend I am going to find a little notebook and start tracking my food. I know we are supposed to eat 5 fruits and/or veggies a day, and 2 teaspoons of healthy oil a day.
Since this is Colorado, and pot is legal and my husband has a medical mj license, we went to the pot store and bought him some. I stayed in the car crocheting. I am making good progress on this lightweight cowl scarf that I am making for my daughter, Sarah. I should have it done in a day or two. Then I can start on the black one for our daughter, Jessie.
The rest of the day was spent at home, crocheting and on the computer. In the evening, after he had eaten, the two of us cuddled up and watched tv. i got some exercise walking around but spent most of the day crocheting. I will start getting back on the treadmill here tomorrow. Tomorrow I have another shift at the zoo watching Hadiah, our female orangutan and her female baby. They got reunited last weekend and we are observing how she is interacting and nursing the baby. The keepers have been working on training with Hadiah to teach her to bring the baby over to them so they can supplement feed the baby. I work the shift of noon to 315pm. When hubby picks me up we are going over to my parents to see their new chandelier they recently put in. They are slowly upgrading the lighting in the house.
My creative urges are starting to come back. I have to finish clearing off the craft table and will be doing that tomorrow as Sunday we are taking a ride up to Broomfield and visit our daughter, Cassie and her fiance, Drew. And since they are living at his parents' place, we will be lunching with them also. I'm a little nervous, with all the weight I have gained, afraid they will judge me to be sloppy and, and, and just a slovenly person. I want to make a good impression, but mostly I want to see Cassie. It has been over a month since I have seen her and she has been working so hard.
I got up at a leisurely 10 am and did my morning pages. I did some reading of my affirmations, out loud to I could hear what I was reading. I find that if I really want to make sure I am listening to something like this, if I read it out loud, it makes a better impression on me. The same way it is easier for me to learn something, a new stitch in crochet, for example, if I can see a video demonstration rather than read it. I spent some time reading the next lesson in The Artist's Way. We are learning about Crazymakers and how they are demanding and distracting and selfish. How we fill our life with people who are probably blocked artists too and how we need to get those people out of our lives because they don't want us to be unblocked. I didn't finish the lesson, I will try to get more of it read tomorrow.
My hubby and I got out of the house in the afternoon, after all the crazy Black Friday sales were going on, and picked up a couple of things to make spaghetti for dinner. I splurged and got a small can of honey roasted peanuts and ate about half of them when we got home. So when my hubby was making dinner, I couldn't eat it. Just the smell of it was making me queasy. I am not sure why I am only eating a little bit of food but still gaining weight. I am up to 200 pounds now. I know in Weight Watchers they had us keep a food diary so we would track everything we ate. I remember I wasn't eating the right foods and not eating enough to start losing weight. So this weekend I am going to find a little notebook and start tracking my food. I know we are supposed to eat 5 fruits and/or veggies a day, and 2 teaspoons of healthy oil a day.
Since this is Colorado, and pot is legal and my husband has a medical mj license, we went to the pot store and bought him some. I stayed in the car crocheting. I am making good progress on this lightweight cowl scarf that I am making for my daughter, Sarah. I should have it done in a day or two. Then I can start on the black one for our daughter, Jessie.
The rest of the day was spent at home, crocheting and on the computer. In the evening, after he had eaten, the two of us cuddled up and watched tv. i got some exercise walking around but spent most of the day crocheting. I will start getting back on the treadmill here tomorrow. Tomorrow I have another shift at the zoo watching Hadiah, our female orangutan and her female baby. They got reunited last weekend and we are observing how she is interacting and nursing the baby. The keepers have been working on training with Hadiah to teach her to bring the baby over to them so they can supplement feed the baby. I work the shift of noon to 315pm. When hubby picks me up we are going over to my parents to see their new chandelier they recently put in. They are slowly upgrading the lighting in the house.
My creative urges are starting to come back. I have to finish clearing off the craft table and will be doing that tomorrow as Sunday we are taking a ride up to Broomfield and visit our daughter, Cassie and her fiance, Drew. And since they are living at his parents' place, we will be lunching with them also. I'm a little nervous, with all the weight I have gained, afraid they will judge me to be sloppy and, and, and just a slovenly person. I want to make a good impression, but mostly I want to see Cassie. It has been over a month since I have seen her and she has been working so hard.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Thanksgiving, Thursday, November 27, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving! I was woken up wonderfully by my daughter, Cassie, calling and wishing me happy holiday. We talked for a bit and then parted. I started to do my morning pages but got a bit distracted because the tv was on and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade was on. I managed to get through my morning pages and then got up, got a shower, got dressed and headed downstairs. I had slept in until after 11 so already the day was progressing.
My husband was cooking the Thanksgiving feast. A turkey, ham, canned yams, french cut green beans, corn, dressing, mashed potatoes, turkey gravy, red eye gravy, veggie platter, various pickles, pickled beets, peach pie and pumpkin pie. Quite a lot of food! But when it was time to eat, I took a sampling of everything but consumed only a small amount. Mom had brought apple cider, which was my drink of choice. The pies I waited to eat until later in the evening but then limited myself to a piece of peach pie without vanilla ice cream. I was very proud of myself but still feel very full and not able to eat later in the evening. Of course, I have only been pooping a little every day so figure I am full of fecal matter and that is causing the bloated feeling. I will have to start taking my Miralax again.
As our Thanksgiving tradition dictates, we listened to a rousing version of Alice's Restaurant. We played a game of dominoes called Mexican Train that included little plastic colored trains and a track that that, when you press a button, played train noises. We played for a couple of hours and had a great time. After I served up the pie and ice cream, we ate and then my parents went home. My hubby and I took a long rest before he sent me upstairs to rest and recuperate while he boned the turkey and put the rest of the food away. He is the sweetest man I have ever met!
Even though I asked if there was anything I could do to help, even asking if there was anything I could do to help clean the bathroom, he said no and I should just go sit and crochet, knowing I have a tight deadline to get a few things finished. The florescent green lightweight cowl scarf I started last night is coming along nicely.
We are lazying about tonight, watching some tv while I crochet. It will be an early night for us both but tomorrow we will be celebrating the holiday by taking the dogs to the dog park. Exercise for everybody!
My husband was cooking the Thanksgiving feast. A turkey, ham, canned yams, french cut green beans, corn, dressing, mashed potatoes, turkey gravy, red eye gravy, veggie platter, various pickles, pickled beets, peach pie and pumpkin pie. Quite a lot of food! But when it was time to eat, I took a sampling of everything but consumed only a small amount. Mom had brought apple cider, which was my drink of choice. The pies I waited to eat until later in the evening but then limited myself to a piece of peach pie without vanilla ice cream. I was very proud of myself but still feel very full and not able to eat later in the evening. Of course, I have only been pooping a little every day so figure I am full of fecal matter and that is causing the bloated feeling. I will have to start taking my Miralax again.
As our Thanksgiving tradition dictates, we listened to a rousing version of Alice's Restaurant. We played a game of dominoes called Mexican Train that included little plastic colored trains and a track that that, when you press a button, played train noises. We played for a couple of hours and had a great time. After I served up the pie and ice cream, we ate and then my parents went home. My hubby and I took a long rest before he sent me upstairs to rest and recuperate while he boned the turkey and put the rest of the food away. He is the sweetest man I have ever met!
Even though I asked if there was anything I could do to help, even asking if there was anything I could do to help clean the bathroom, he said no and I should just go sit and crochet, knowing I have a tight deadline to get a few things finished. The florescent green lightweight cowl scarf I started last night is coming along nicely.
We are lazying about tonight, watching some tv while I crochet. It will be an early night for us both but tomorrow we will be celebrating the holiday by taking the dogs to the dog park. Exercise for everybody!
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Good evening! It has been a full day and I accomplished much. This morning I got and wrote a shortened morning pages, I was in a bit of a hurry and didn't get up early enough to write them out fully. My friend and her one year old came over to play and crochet. It has been a while since we have gotten together so it was a nice little reunion. Abbey has grown! It only took a little while for her to warm up to me and let me interact with her. Remember I put up my white Christmas tree but hadn't decorated it yet? Well, I got out the shatter proof (as Walmart calls them, plastic is what I call them) ornaments and would hand Abbey one with a hook on it and her mom would say, Where do you want to put it? Abbey would hand her mom the ornament and point to where on the tree she wanted it. We hung a lot of ornaments about two feet high. I am not sure if we are going to rearrange the ornaments later or just leave them as she decorated.
I got in some crocheting on the mutant bulldog, I got all the ears made, whip stitched together and whip stitched onto the dog. Now the mutant bulldog looks like a seal with ears. Making the chin is next then the wrinkle for over the snout. It is currently put away in the closet because it is a present for my parents and they are coming over tomorrow for Thanksgiving Dinner. So away it went and out came the florescent yellow yarn. I balled it and started another lightweight cowl scarf for my daughter, Sarah. I can work on it tomorrow when the parents are here and work on it when I need a break from the mutant bulldog.
I swept the kitchen floor and arranged for the carpet cleaners to come today to redo a couple of spots. I cleaned up the dirty dishes from last night and this morning and I worked on putting more stuff on the craft table either away in a box to go out to the garage, into the trash or put away. I must admit that it is getting harder to deal with some of the stuff. I had to stop because I was getting anxious. I didn't have time to go through all the papers and read them. I was afraid if I put them in a box for the garage that they were something I might need so I stopped before it became an anxiety attack. We have to clean the bathroom for when my parents visit tomorrow, and it needs to be cleaned anyway but I was unable to bring myself to do it. I went in the bathroom and stood there, trying to bring myself to visualize what to do. I was doing that when the anxiety got to be too much, I had to leave the room. I have faced my fears and failed. Maybe tomorrow, when the pressure of my parents coming, will give me the strength to take a broom to the floor, spray the Windex on the mirror and wipe it, put the chemicals in the toilet and scrub it, scrub the sink. It doesn't sound so bad when I type it out but even now, in the safety of my own bed, I am getting a heaviness in my chest, my breathing has escalated and my heart is beating faster. I can't think about his anymore. Baseball, falcons, dolls, french fries, McDonalds, kitty litter, cars, cats, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. I need my Kira, my corgi. When I get anxious petting her calms me down.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are having my parents over. Early in the morning, my hubby will get up and put the turkey in the oven. Later we will bake the ham, and adding for dinner, corn, french cut green beans, yams, jelly rolls, mashed potatoes, gravey, brownies, gingerbread, blueberry muffins, peach pie and pumpkin pie. There will be a lot to do but a lot to celebrate. Unfortunately none of the children can be with us today but we are celebrating they are all well (except for Cassie, who has the flu), with the ones they love and celebrating on their own. We will be going up to see Cassie later this weekend, she lives only 3 hours away.
God bless and have a good Thanksgiving!
I got in some crocheting on the mutant bulldog, I got all the ears made, whip stitched together and whip stitched onto the dog. Now the mutant bulldog looks like a seal with ears. Making the chin is next then the wrinkle for over the snout. It is currently put away in the closet because it is a present for my parents and they are coming over tomorrow for Thanksgiving Dinner. So away it went and out came the florescent yellow yarn. I balled it and started another lightweight cowl scarf for my daughter, Sarah. I can work on it tomorrow when the parents are here and work on it when I need a break from the mutant bulldog.
I swept the kitchen floor and arranged for the carpet cleaners to come today to redo a couple of spots. I cleaned up the dirty dishes from last night and this morning and I worked on putting more stuff on the craft table either away in a box to go out to the garage, into the trash or put away. I must admit that it is getting harder to deal with some of the stuff. I had to stop because I was getting anxious. I didn't have time to go through all the papers and read them. I was afraid if I put them in a box for the garage that they were something I might need so I stopped before it became an anxiety attack. We have to clean the bathroom for when my parents visit tomorrow, and it needs to be cleaned anyway but I was unable to bring myself to do it. I went in the bathroom and stood there, trying to bring myself to visualize what to do. I was doing that when the anxiety got to be too much, I had to leave the room. I have faced my fears and failed. Maybe tomorrow, when the pressure of my parents coming, will give me the strength to take a broom to the floor, spray the Windex on the mirror and wipe it, put the chemicals in the toilet and scrub it, scrub the sink. It doesn't sound so bad when I type it out but even now, in the safety of my own bed, I am getting a heaviness in my chest, my breathing has escalated and my heart is beating faster. I can't think about his anymore. Baseball, falcons, dolls, french fries, McDonalds, kitty litter, cars, cats, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. I need my Kira, my corgi. When I get anxious petting her calms me down.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are having my parents over. Early in the morning, my hubby will get up and put the turkey in the oven. Later we will bake the ham, and adding for dinner, corn, french cut green beans, yams, jelly rolls, mashed potatoes, gravey, brownies, gingerbread, blueberry muffins, peach pie and pumpkin pie. There will be a lot to do but a lot to celebrate. Unfortunately none of the children can be with us today but we are celebrating they are all well (except for Cassie, who has the flu), with the ones they love and celebrating on their own. We will be going up to see Cassie later this weekend, she lives only 3 hours away.
God bless and have a good Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Today was an interesting day. I started out my morning by delaying getting out of bed until the last possible second in order to make my therapy session at 10am. Since it is only 5 minutes away by car, 10 if we hit all red lights, I didn't get out of bed until 930am. I realized that doing morning pages on therapy mornings is too difficult so I don't. I could wake up an hour early and do them, and sometimes I do, but on most Tuesdays, I have to get up with my husband and drive him to work, then drive myself back to go to therapy, which is one mile in the opposite direction of his work from our house. I suppose I could do them after therapy but by then, any dream I may have had is usually lost and I have been inundated with outside stimulus. So I don't usually do them on Tuesdays.
Today in therapy we started off with a dream I had the other night. The one where I was living in a commune and went to the department store to buy breast cups so I could make my own bra. The sales staffer, a young man, started talking to another man and making fun of my breast because I asked him for size DD, called a double D. He started talking about how long and saggy my breasts were and how awful for anyone who had to see me naked. He made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I got my breast cups and left. When I went home back to commune, I found out he had given me the wrong size, a size B, so I would have to go back. I told all my friends about what happened and they made up a petition and everyone signed it, to get the man fired. One guy came with me, carrying the petition, and he was there to protect me. There was more to the dream, more about an adult tricycle falling off a bridge that had no rails, into a fast moving river that wasn't that deep except for right there, there was a deep hole and my tricycle was lost.
I asked Steve what he thought the dream meant. I told him that when I was writing about the dream in my morning pages, I realized that I was writing about me. My alters, my personalities. The man who accompanied me to the department store was my protector, my personality that would come out when I was afraid. He would take care of me and not be afraid. He would take over. Steve thought that the alters didn't like it when this other person was making fun of me. How did I feel about my body? I told him that I didn't like it. There are rolls and lumps and things that are uncomfortable. He says it sounds like your others, your alters, really don't like even you making fun of your body. They took up a petition to tell you that you are just fine. You are more than your body and you need to learn to love yourself. Only when we love ourselves for who we are, can we find true acceptance. Once we can accept ourselves, can we then recognize what we want to change and do it with love. My alters want that love. He was at a loss on what the tricycle and the bridge and the river meant. So was I.
When I got home, I played with the dogs, ate some lunch and worked on the craft table a little. I got one box packed, a lot of stuff in bags got put away, and some trash got thrown away. It's not done but I got a good start. Tomorrow I am going to finish. Tomorrow I will be vacuuming and working on cleaning bathrooms. Ok, maybe I will let my husband clean the bathrooms. But we will be cleaning for company, my parents are coming over on Thanksgiving. We will be playing a little pinball and eating lots of food. If I can get the backyard cleaned up, maybe we can play a round of croquet. Our yard has natural hazards, the dog digs holes. But that is only if I can get the rest of the stuff done tomorrow. I am kind of having some anxiety thinking about it but I know that I did vacuum last week, that I can do it again. I will just take an anxiety pill when I take my morning pills. I have been hyper-vigilant about picking up every little spec of stuff that gets on the carpet to keep it clean. All I have to do is vacuum up dog hair. I can do that. The bathroom is a different story but I am going to try to clean it. I know I can do it but I have to stop thinking about it as I am starting to have an anxiety attack. Baseball, gramma, puppies and kitties. Ok, deep breathing.
Today in therapy we started off with a dream I had the other night. The one where I was living in a commune and went to the department store to buy breast cups so I could make my own bra. The sales staffer, a young man, started talking to another man and making fun of my breast because I asked him for size DD, called a double D. He started talking about how long and saggy my breasts were and how awful for anyone who had to see me naked. He made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I got my breast cups and left. When I went home back to commune, I found out he had given me the wrong size, a size B, so I would have to go back. I told all my friends about what happened and they made up a petition and everyone signed it, to get the man fired. One guy came with me, carrying the petition, and he was there to protect me. There was more to the dream, more about an adult tricycle falling off a bridge that had no rails, into a fast moving river that wasn't that deep except for right there, there was a deep hole and my tricycle was lost.
I asked Steve what he thought the dream meant. I told him that when I was writing about the dream in my morning pages, I realized that I was writing about me. My alters, my personalities. The man who accompanied me to the department store was my protector, my personality that would come out when I was afraid. He would take care of me and not be afraid. He would take over. Steve thought that the alters didn't like it when this other person was making fun of me. How did I feel about my body? I told him that I didn't like it. There are rolls and lumps and things that are uncomfortable. He says it sounds like your others, your alters, really don't like even you making fun of your body. They took up a petition to tell you that you are just fine. You are more than your body and you need to learn to love yourself. Only when we love ourselves for who we are, can we find true acceptance. Once we can accept ourselves, can we then recognize what we want to change and do it with love. My alters want that love. He was at a loss on what the tricycle and the bridge and the river meant. So was I.
When I got home, I played with the dogs, ate some lunch and worked on the craft table a little. I got one box packed, a lot of stuff in bags got put away, and some trash got thrown away. It's not done but I got a good start. Tomorrow I am going to finish. Tomorrow I will be vacuuming and working on cleaning bathrooms. Ok, maybe I will let my husband clean the bathrooms. But we will be cleaning for company, my parents are coming over on Thanksgiving. We will be playing a little pinball and eating lots of food. If I can get the backyard cleaned up, maybe we can play a round of croquet. Our yard has natural hazards, the dog digs holes. But that is only if I can get the rest of the stuff done tomorrow. I am kind of having some anxiety thinking about it but I know that I did vacuum last week, that I can do it again. I will just take an anxiety pill when I take my morning pills. I have been hyper-vigilant about picking up every little spec of stuff that gets on the carpet to keep it clean. All I have to do is vacuum up dog hair. I can do that. The bathroom is a different story but I am going to try to clean it. I know I can do it but I have to stop thinking about it as I am starting to have an anxiety attack. Baseball, gramma, puppies and kitties. Ok, deep breathing.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
This morning I woke up pleasantly and languished writing my morning pages. Couldn't remember my dreams but was thinking fondly about my sister, Collette. She is studying to be a nurse, a RN. And she is working full time in addition to going to school full time. I am so proud of her and have no idea how she can do it all. And in thinking about her, I remember a story she told me of when she lived in GA. She had a house out in the rural area and had a nice garden. One day a preying mantis came into her kitchen and she let live in her kitchen window. The preying mantis was at the end of it's life cycle and laid an egg sack in her window, then died. Well, Collette took care of that egg sack all winter long. Come spring, that egg sack hatched one morning and hundreds of preying mantis babies swarmed her window. She opened the window and took out the screen, letting then into her garden. She said it was lovely.
It was a lazy morning, after writing, I got to read my Donna Andrews' book, Murder with Puffins. It took up a good part of my day. Called my other sister, Laura, checked up on my nephew. He had been jumped at school while in the bathroom and knocked unconscious. He was taken to the hospital and had an MRI. They found out he had a broken nose, two black eyes and a severe concussion.
Then I got to do what I have been wanting to do since early October - decorate for Christmas! I put up my tree (white, prestrung with pastel lighting), hung a wreath on the outside of the front door, hung a wreath on the inside of the front door, wrapped the stair railing in garlands, put out and decorated the mini trees, and put up the sleeve of the Christmas Story Table Leg Lamp on the back door. I also untangled 3 strands of lights (2 for decorating later and one is a lost cause). I couldn't help myself, Christmas just wanted to start NOW!
My activity was high this afternoon, all the bending and lifting, kneeling and reaching, I was plum tuckered out by the time I was finished. I think I did the equivalent of 25 minutes on the treadmill at least! I watched my portions and when my husband made his famous chicken cordon blu, I was very good and only had one serving. Maybe a little too much sauce, but it is my favorite!
I ended my day with snuggling up with my honey and watching The Walking Dead. We snacked on some Bar Mix and enjoyed our evening.
It was a lazy morning, after writing, I got to read my Donna Andrews' book, Murder with Puffins. It took up a good part of my day. Called my other sister, Laura, checked up on my nephew. He had been jumped at school while in the bathroom and knocked unconscious. He was taken to the hospital and had an MRI. They found out he had a broken nose, two black eyes and a severe concussion.
Then I got to do what I have been wanting to do since early October - decorate for Christmas! I put up my tree (white, prestrung with pastel lighting), hung a wreath on the outside of the front door, hung a wreath on the inside of the front door, wrapped the stair railing in garlands, put out and decorated the mini trees, and put up the sleeve of the Christmas Story Table Leg Lamp on the back door. I also untangled 3 strands of lights (2 for decorating later and one is a lost cause). I couldn't help myself, Christmas just wanted to start NOW!
My activity was high this afternoon, all the bending and lifting, kneeling and reaching, I was plum tuckered out by the time I was finished. I think I did the equivalent of 25 minutes on the treadmill at least! I watched my portions and when my husband made his famous chicken cordon blu, I was very good and only had one serving. Maybe a little too much sauce, but it is my favorite!
I ended my day with snuggling up with my honey and watching The Walking Dead. We snacked on some Bar Mix and enjoyed our evening.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Today was a good day! I slept in past the time I wanted to get up but I didn't set my alarm and my husband tip toed downstairs so I could sleep in. His office is right under our bedroom so when I woke up and got up to go to the bathroom, he hears my footsteps. When I got back in bed and started my morning pages, he came up to say good morning. Then he went downstairs while I was finishing up my writing, and made me scrambled eggs and an english muffin. Then he served me breakfast in bed! He is the sweetest man in the universe!
As I have been doing since the carpets got cleaned, I did a patrol around the house, picking up little bits of stuff on the carpet. Sometimes it is little bits of fuzz, sometimes it is a piece of leaf brought in by the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to vacuum again as 3 dogs in a house pile up a lot of dog hair and I don't want dust bunnies in the corner of the stairs again. Brushing the dogs would be a good thing to do tomorrow too, as we are cutting their nails too.
For a reward for doing so well on our budget, we decided to go to the movies. We decided to see Big Hero 6. Though we have seen the commercials, we didn't have a clue so watched with anticipation. It was funny and sad but had a good ending.
Today was pretty much a lazy day, didn't really do much else except read. We had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the theater from where we had to part so I didn't get onto the treadmill today, but tomorrow, if it is nice, we are taking the dogs out on a walk. If it is too cold or windy, on the treadmill I will go.
I had a very strange dream that as I was writing in down in my morning pages. I realized it was about the voices in my head. All the voices had a personality and it was interesting. There was a commune where we all lived and watched out for one another. In the dream, a worker at a department store made fun of me. All the other personalities drew up a petition to get the person fired and my protective personality went to take it to the owner of the department store. It was an interesting look at the inside of my brain and how it is working. Thanks to my medication and a lot of therapy, all those personalities are integrated. At least I thought so until this morning.
Tomorrow I plan on dealing with the clutter on my craft table so I can get my sewing machine set up. I would like to make a couple of pairs of pants or some dresses.
As I have been doing since the carpets got cleaned, I did a patrol around the house, picking up little bits of stuff on the carpet. Sometimes it is little bits of fuzz, sometimes it is a piece of leaf brought in by the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to vacuum again as 3 dogs in a house pile up a lot of dog hair and I don't want dust bunnies in the corner of the stairs again. Brushing the dogs would be a good thing to do tomorrow too, as we are cutting their nails too.
For a reward for doing so well on our budget, we decided to go to the movies. We decided to see Big Hero 6. Though we have seen the commercials, we didn't have a clue so watched with anticipation. It was funny and sad but had a good ending.
Today was pretty much a lazy day, didn't really do much else except read. We had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the theater from where we had to part so I didn't get onto the treadmill today, but tomorrow, if it is nice, we are taking the dogs out on a walk. If it is too cold or windy, on the treadmill I will go.
I had a very strange dream that as I was writing in down in my morning pages. I realized it was about the voices in my head. All the voices had a personality and it was interesting. There was a commune where we all lived and watched out for one another. In the dream, a worker at a department store made fun of me. All the other personalities drew up a petition to get the person fired and my protective personality went to take it to the owner of the department store. It was an interesting look at the inside of my brain and how it is working. Thanks to my medication and a lot of therapy, all those personalities are integrated. At least I thought so until this morning.
Tomorrow I plan on dealing with the clutter on my craft table so I can get my sewing machine set up. I would like to make a couple of pairs of pants or some dresses.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Today started out by sleeping in until 10 am. I woke up and did my morning pages but forgot to take my thyroid med until after I finished so stayed in bed until noon, because I am supposed to take my thyroid med and wait at least half an hour before I eat or drink anything. So after I got up and got dressed (yes, it is becoming much easier to do it every day!) I went down to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. Yummy ham with cheddar cheese on wheat bread with some yellow mustard. And instead of chips, I ate carrot chips. I used to buy baby carrots and then I found these serrated carrot chips. At first I thought they would be ok for salads, you know, covered in dressing but then I started snacking on them. They are so yummy! And so much more satisfying than potato chips or Doritos!
And I know I had planned on cleaning windows today but I decided I needed to work on clearing off the craft table. But then I got busy writing a letter to my nephew who is in prison. I write to him a couple of times a week. I don't know how much longer he will be in prison but I know it will be a couple more years, at least. Anyway, I was typing this long letter to him and was feeling a little overwhelmed about all the stuff there was to do and it was all I could handle to just be downstairs today. So I wrote, watched tv, and handled my email. Facebook is a lot of fun and I spent some time on it.
Later in the afternoon when I was watching Dr Phil, I got on the treadmill and walked for 25 minutes! That makes 2 days in a row. I am feeling a little guilty about not walking the dogs outside, as my two little dogs are grossly overweight too, but to do that I need to do it in the morning. They love to go out on walks but some days I just can't face the prospect of going out of the house.
Since we got everything off the floor and the floors all vacuumed, I am reluctant to put anything back down on the floor. The house is clean, at least when you look down, and I don't want to mess that up. It feels so good on my bare feet to have clean carpets. And the hairballs gathering in the corners of the stairs are all gone. I am hoping in my pursuit of creative housekeeping, I can continue on cleaning. Some day, I am going to be caught up enough that I will be able to start painting the walls and decorating the different rooms. I need to go around to the various rooms and start taking out fans, take them out to the garage to store until next year. Then I need to see whatever is put up if I still want it in the house.
I need to go through all the knick knacks I have in the family room. They are all dusty and some are broken from the cats running around. If I can fix them, I will but if not, then I need to get rid of them. I have another set of shelves to put up in the guest room to house more books. I would like to organize my books and get rid of multiple copies or ones I am just not that into.
I snacked on an apple instead of chips, I ate a healthy dinner of pork with mashed potatoes, peas and brown gravy. My portions were good and I didn't have seconds. I did have some wafer cookies for dessert. I resisted the urge to go down to our local Dunkin Donuts, a new addition to my neighborhood, and eat a couple of donuts and a large mint hot chocolate.
I weighed myself at my psychiatrist's office and I now weigh 198.2, so I am still gaining weight. I am hoping eating right and the daily walks on the treadmill will start to reverse it. Maybe next year, my husband and I will be able to join Weight Watchers.
And I know I had planned on cleaning windows today but I decided I needed to work on clearing off the craft table. But then I got busy writing a letter to my nephew who is in prison. I write to him a couple of times a week. I don't know how much longer he will be in prison but I know it will be a couple more years, at least. Anyway, I was typing this long letter to him and was feeling a little overwhelmed about all the stuff there was to do and it was all I could handle to just be downstairs today. So I wrote, watched tv, and handled my email. Facebook is a lot of fun and I spent some time on it.
Later in the afternoon when I was watching Dr Phil, I got on the treadmill and walked for 25 minutes! That makes 2 days in a row. I am feeling a little guilty about not walking the dogs outside, as my two little dogs are grossly overweight too, but to do that I need to do it in the morning. They love to go out on walks but some days I just can't face the prospect of going out of the house.
Since we got everything off the floor and the floors all vacuumed, I am reluctant to put anything back down on the floor. The house is clean, at least when you look down, and I don't want to mess that up. It feels so good on my bare feet to have clean carpets. And the hairballs gathering in the corners of the stairs are all gone. I am hoping in my pursuit of creative housekeeping, I can continue on cleaning. Some day, I am going to be caught up enough that I will be able to start painting the walls and decorating the different rooms. I need to go around to the various rooms and start taking out fans, take them out to the garage to store until next year. Then I need to see whatever is put up if I still want it in the house.
I need to go through all the knick knacks I have in the family room. They are all dusty and some are broken from the cats running around. If I can fix them, I will but if not, then I need to get rid of them. I have another set of shelves to put up in the guest room to house more books. I would like to organize my books and get rid of multiple copies or ones I am just not that into.
I snacked on an apple instead of chips, I ate a healthy dinner of pork with mashed potatoes, peas and brown gravy. My portions were good and I didn't have seconds. I did have some wafer cookies for dessert. I resisted the urge to go down to our local Dunkin Donuts, a new addition to my neighborhood, and eat a couple of donuts and a large mint hot chocolate.
I weighed myself at my psychiatrist's office and I now weigh 198.2, so I am still gaining weight. I am hoping eating right and the daily walks on the treadmill will start to reverse it. Maybe next year, my husband and I will be able to join Weight Watchers.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Yesterday I was finishing up removing and storing a bunch of clutter and I overcame my household cleaning phobia and was able to commit creative housekeeping by vacuum. I vacuumed the entire house, from top to bottom! I was so proud of myself. I did have to take an anxiety pill as I have this fear that the carpet cleaning guy would come in, take one look at my house and start berating me and saying things like "This is the filthiest house I have ever seen!" or "Are you kidding? You can't do anything right!" or something like that. Of course, to my relief, none of this came true. The carpet cleaning guy called and came over early, did the carpets and then I paid him and he left. The carpets took all night to dry but they looked good. There was a couple of spots still dirty so today, I actually called and talked to the scheduler and they are going to come back tomorrow and redo those spots! I wouldn't say I conquered my fears but I did face them, and was able to act in spite of them. I am so proud of myself! I am getting back to living.
Today was an active day. I moved furniture back and rearranged it in a pleasing way in my craft room, I did morning pages, not the whole 3 pages but enough to track my dream. I got dressed and left the house to meet with my psychiatrist. We discussed the strides I have been making to get back to living a full life and not just hiding. We discussed the current levels of my medications and the new medication I started several months ago, how it has helped improve my life. I am functioning, my voices inside my head, the incessant battering, is now silent. I can think and hear my own thoughts without overwhelming streams of consciousness. We talked about how I been working with my therapist, Steve, and working on doing one thing, like just vacuuming, without having it lead to a million other things so I get so overwhelmed that all I can do is stay in bed, in my pjs, watching tv in my bedroom. I am afraid, but I am trying, and succeeding. Little things, but little things I haven't been able to do in decades. There is a big smile on my face right now!
And that is not the end of it. I spent 25 minutes walking on the treadmill and my husband and I were able to go through our options for our health insurance through his work and make some decisions. And I was able to do it without breaking down in tears or taking an anxiety pill. Today has been a success. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I have plans to wash the windows inside the house. I wonder what else I will do.
Today was an active day. I moved furniture back and rearranged it in a pleasing way in my craft room, I did morning pages, not the whole 3 pages but enough to track my dream. I got dressed and left the house to meet with my psychiatrist. We discussed the strides I have been making to get back to living a full life and not just hiding. We discussed the current levels of my medications and the new medication I started several months ago, how it has helped improve my life. I am functioning, my voices inside my head, the incessant battering, is now silent. I can think and hear my own thoughts without overwhelming streams of consciousness. We talked about how I been working with my therapist, Steve, and working on doing one thing, like just vacuuming, without having it lead to a million other things so I get so overwhelmed that all I can do is stay in bed, in my pjs, watching tv in my bedroom. I am afraid, but I am trying, and succeeding. Little things, but little things I haven't been able to do in decades. There is a big smile on my face right now!
And that is not the end of it. I spent 25 minutes walking on the treadmill and my husband and I were able to go through our options for our health insurance through his work and make some decisions. And I was able to do it without breaking down in tears or taking an anxiety pill. Today has been a success. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I have plans to wash the windows inside the house. I wonder what else I will do.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Today started of cold! When my husband got up very early this morning, he said that is was nice out and offered to leave the back door open for the dogs but I said no. I knew it was going to be chilly, just over 30 today but I also had my bedroom window open a crack. I told him to turn off the heat, said good bye and Happy Birthday. Today is his 52nd birthday. He had to work today so off he went and I went back to sleep. I woke up freezing! I immediately got up, shut the window and turned the heat back on, what was I thinking? I climbed back under the covers until it warmed up a bit.
While shivering under the covers, I wrote my morning pages. It was pretty hard this morning because the cold drove out any thoughts or dreams I had. I struggled with is and it took twice as long as it usually had.
After it warmed up and I finished the morning pages, I decided to do something I have been putting off for quite a while now. I took off my nightgown and went to stand in front of the mirror. It was time to take a good, hard look at what I looked like naked. It was hard. My body was a mass of curves and bumps with skin sagging in places I didn't expect. Along my C-section scar, I have a fold of skin from outer hip to outer hip. It's ugly. I am very thick in the middle and my tummy extrudes so far. My breasts are bigger (I'm now a DD) and still sag like sacks of grain. I was not happy with what I saw. It was ugly but I had to do it. Now I know.
I still got dressed and went downstairs. I stayed in the living room watching Project Runway All Stars season 3 and season 1 of Buffy. I took the day off crocheting on the mutant bulldog. I wrapped the presents I got for my husband, nothing like putting things off until the last minute, right? Do you know how hard it is to wrap a toolbox and a bath shelf? It took me awhile but it was worth it. When my hubby came home, he was excited to see the two big presents waiting for him. And we had made dinner in the crockpot, beef roasts with potatoes, carrot, celery and onion. Yum! With pumpkin pie for dessert!
I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I am hoping by doing what I call "Body Inspections" I can keep up the incentive to exercise. I need to find my jump rope.
While shivering under the covers, I wrote my morning pages. It was pretty hard this morning because the cold drove out any thoughts or dreams I had. I struggled with is and it took twice as long as it usually had.
After it warmed up and I finished the morning pages, I decided to do something I have been putting off for quite a while now. I took off my nightgown and went to stand in front of the mirror. It was time to take a good, hard look at what I looked like naked. It was hard. My body was a mass of curves and bumps with skin sagging in places I didn't expect. Along my C-section scar, I have a fold of skin from outer hip to outer hip. It's ugly. I am very thick in the middle and my tummy extrudes so far. My breasts are bigger (I'm now a DD) and still sag like sacks of grain. I was not happy with what I saw. It was ugly but I had to do it. Now I know.
I still got dressed and went downstairs. I stayed in the living room watching Project Runway All Stars season 3 and season 1 of Buffy. I took the day off crocheting on the mutant bulldog. I wrapped the presents I got for my husband, nothing like putting things off until the last minute, right? Do you know how hard it is to wrap a toolbox and a bath shelf? It took me awhile but it was worth it. When my hubby came home, he was excited to see the two big presents waiting for him. And we had made dinner in the crockpot, beef roasts with potatoes, carrot, celery and onion. Yum! With pumpkin pie for dessert!
I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I am hoping by doing what I call "Body Inspections" I can keep up the incentive to exercise. I need to find my jump rope.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Good day! Today I was busy and active and full of piss and vigor! I woke up about 930am and immediately wrote my morning pages. In the beginning, write 3 pages longhand made my hand cramp and I had a hard time writing. Lots of thinking about what to write and a lot of times I wrote "I do not know what to write.". But by today, my hand doesn't cramp and the writing is easier, for the most part. It is supposed to be a stream of conscious, writing what comes to mind. You put it away and don't reread it. It is like a creative jump start for your morning, get your juices flowing. It sure worked for me today!
I got dressed right after I was done and took the dogs out. Now we have been having below freezing temperatures here in Colorado Springs, Colorado. All my cats are inside and the dogs have been cooped up. The dogs would get to go outside and would not run out and play. It was do your business and get back in. But today, our temperatures got up to the high 30s and the sun was shining. The ice was melting and the snow was disappearing so the dogs got some quality time outside. Since it is still below freezing at night, I decided to keep all 6 cats in the house one more day. 2 of my cats complained by 1. spraying the trash can and 2. peeing on the rug. These are my two cats that practically live outside during the summer, rarely come back inside. If it is nice out tomorrow, I'm kicking both their asses outside!
I spent the day working on what I confidently call my mutant bulldog toy. It is a present for my parents as they raise and show bulldogs. I bought the pattern on Etsy a couple of years ago and finally got around to attempting to make it. I call in a mutant bulldog because I got a little carried away with stuffing the body. There is only a picture of the finished toy so I wasn't quite sure how it was supposed to look. I realize now that the body is kind of long for a bulldog and the face is little small. But I have been working on it all day and I only have to make the wrinkle for the nose, the chin and the ears for the head. Then I need to make the legs and the feet. My parents have 3 bulldogs and I plan on making 3 stuffed toys for them and the other two should come out a little better. But I will only have the one done for Christmas. I have another crochet project to do for Christmas too.
And I am getting active! Tonight, before bed, I will be on the treadmill, yeah! I plan on doing 20 minutes or longer. A slow walk but a walk nevertheless. And I am going to try to do it every day now that I am making a habit of getting dressed and getting downstairs. And I was active during the day, having to walk up and down the stairs every couple of hours, or every hour at some points, to let the dogs in and out. And if I can't do 20 minutes, I heard that exercising for 10 at a time, 3 times a day, is the same as walking for 30 minutes at one time. So I have several ways to approach this exercise thingy. Creative thinking.
I got dressed right after I was done and took the dogs out. Now we have been having below freezing temperatures here in Colorado Springs, Colorado. All my cats are inside and the dogs have been cooped up. The dogs would get to go outside and would not run out and play. It was do your business and get back in. But today, our temperatures got up to the high 30s and the sun was shining. The ice was melting and the snow was disappearing so the dogs got some quality time outside. Since it is still below freezing at night, I decided to keep all 6 cats in the house one more day. 2 of my cats complained by 1. spraying the trash can and 2. peeing on the rug. These are my two cats that practically live outside during the summer, rarely come back inside. If it is nice out tomorrow, I'm kicking both their asses outside!
I spent the day working on what I confidently call my mutant bulldog toy. It is a present for my parents as they raise and show bulldogs. I bought the pattern on Etsy a couple of years ago and finally got around to attempting to make it. I call in a mutant bulldog because I got a little carried away with stuffing the body. There is only a picture of the finished toy so I wasn't quite sure how it was supposed to look. I realize now that the body is kind of long for a bulldog and the face is little small. But I have been working on it all day and I only have to make the wrinkle for the nose, the chin and the ears for the head. Then I need to make the legs and the feet. My parents have 3 bulldogs and I plan on making 3 stuffed toys for them and the other two should come out a little better. But I will only have the one done for Christmas. I have another crochet project to do for Christmas too.
And I am getting active! Tonight, before bed, I will be on the treadmill, yeah! I plan on doing 20 minutes or longer. A slow walk but a walk nevertheless. And I am going to try to do it every day now that I am making a habit of getting dressed and getting downstairs. And I was active during the day, having to walk up and down the stairs every couple of hours, or every hour at some points, to let the dogs in and out. And if I can't do 20 minutes, I heard that exercising for 10 at a time, 3 times a day, is the same as walking for 30 minutes at one time. So I have several ways to approach this exercise thingy. Creative thinking.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Today started off so much better than yesterday! When I went to sleep last night, I told myself to wake up at 830am. I set the clock for 9am. I woke up on my own at 830, and then tried to talk myself into sleeping until 9, but no deal. So I got up and did my morning pages.
I wrote about a dream that I had, still very vivid to me even at this time in the evening. I was a teenager and I was hanging out with 3 other individuals. We were an angry group and planned to bomb something. I got the idea that I had to get my parent's 4 bulldogs and attach them to the bomb. (Now my parents only really have 3 bulldogs and I would never, ever do anything to harm any animal. This is a dream, remember!) Then I went back into my parents' house and went into the guest room where I was staying, and I climbed up on the bed, then peed on it. And that is where I woke up.
Now to say the least, I was befuddled about me wanting to bomb something and why would I want to blow up my parents' bulldogs? I love those dogs and have a good time seeing them whenever I go to my parents' house. Why am I so mad at my parents? What did they do that would make me want to hurt them? The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. And I started to think about what I did before I went to sleep and what tv I watched. I started to think about the work I did for The Artist Way. The positive affirmations I did from the negative blurts. And I realized that who I was really mad at must be myself. My negative side is trying to get back at me for trying to neutralize it. I am the adult, the parent, so to say, that it wants to blow up possessions of, the dogs. My subconscious is trying to work out the negative giving way to the positive. My teenager self was getting even with my adult self (my parents) by destroying something precious (the bulldogs). The final act of rebellion (peeing on the bed) is like being flipped off by my mind. Nanni nanni boo boo!
I worked some more with The Artist's Way, the exercises for Chapter One. I had to list 3 Enemies of my Creative. People who have squelched my progress when I wanted to be creative. How I perceived they did this. Something they may have said or something they may have done that caused me to have negative self talk whenever I try to do something, like creative housekeeping. This was hard. You have to "time travel" in your mind back to hurtful memories and sometimes have to force yourself to remember. Tears were shed and cleansing was done. I suspect that this will not be the end of the negative talk but a light on how it got started. Writing this all out gives me an overview, a look from a distance that i didn't have before.
I can't wait to see what kind of dreams I have tonight!
I wrote about a dream that I had, still very vivid to me even at this time in the evening. I was a teenager and I was hanging out with 3 other individuals. We were an angry group and planned to bomb something. I got the idea that I had to get my parent's 4 bulldogs and attach them to the bomb. (Now my parents only really have 3 bulldogs and I would never, ever do anything to harm any animal. This is a dream, remember!) Then I went back into my parents' house and went into the guest room where I was staying, and I climbed up on the bed, then peed on it. And that is where I woke up.
Now to say the least, I was befuddled about me wanting to bomb something and why would I want to blow up my parents' bulldogs? I love those dogs and have a good time seeing them whenever I go to my parents' house. Why am I so mad at my parents? What did they do that would make me want to hurt them? The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. And I started to think about what I did before I went to sleep and what tv I watched. I started to think about the work I did for The Artist Way. The positive affirmations I did from the negative blurts. And I realized that who I was really mad at must be myself. My negative side is trying to get back at me for trying to neutralize it. I am the adult, the parent, so to say, that it wants to blow up possessions of, the dogs. My subconscious is trying to work out the negative giving way to the positive. My teenager self was getting even with my adult self (my parents) by destroying something precious (the bulldogs). The final act of rebellion (peeing on the bed) is like being flipped off by my mind. Nanni nanni boo boo!
I worked some more with The Artist's Way, the exercises for Chapter One. I had to list 3 Enemies of my Creative. People who have squelched my progress when I wanted to be creative. How I perceived they did this. Something they may have said or something they may have done that caused me to have negative self talk whenever I try to do something, like creative housekeeping. This was hard. You have to "time travel" in your mind back to hurtful memories and sometimes have to force yourself to remember. Tears were shed and cleansing was done. I suspect that this will not be the end of the negative talk but a light on how it got started. Writing this all out gives me an overview, a look from a distance that i didn't have before.
I can't wait to see what kind of dreams I have tonight!
Wednesday, November 13, 2014
What a day! We were expecting the weather only to be in the single digits and it was so cold, it seemed like the furnace never stopped running. Our house is very efficient and the windows are good vinyl ones that don't have any leaks but there was a chill that just wouldn't go away. I spent the day huddling under the covers in the bedroom, trying to keep from turning the thermostat up to 80! The dogs and I, with a few of the cats, cuddled closely and talked about how it was bitter out there. We spent the day watching the birds and squirrels out the window in our big tree, frolicking on the high limbs. We watched murder of crows settle in from the wind.
My plans to get up and do some housework went south with the chill. The house was chilled and I was weak, opting to stay tucked in and warm.
I did do some more work with The Artist's Way. I was working on my blurts. Blurts are the negative talk in your head that tells you that you can't do something or that you won't be any good. And the work I was doing yesterday and today, I came up with several that torment me. I will never be organized. I will never not be messy. I will sabotage myself when things are going well. I can't be successful because when I am doing well, I will become afraid, then I will not come out of the bedroom and I will lose my momentum. I will never be able to do housework the right way. The house will never be clean.
I started to turn the blurts into positive affirmations. I, TK, am getting organized and now have the space to create. I, TK, am a person that will put things back in their place. I, TK, will take things one day at a time. Success will not scare me. I can recognize opportunities and, if the time is right, take advantage of them. It is ok for me to get rid of things. Not all things are worthy of staying in my possession. More is not better. It is ok to let go of things. My home will not be less homey, I will not be less rich, with fewer possessions.
Mentally, I did a lot of work. It is hard to take negative things that have been in your head for so long and trying to come up with the positive side of it. It took me an hour to come up with some of the negative things that come to me when I am trying to be creative. You live with them for so long that you don't hear them anymore, they are just there and you automatically cringe when you try to do something creative, like me doing creative housework. I automatically know it will not be good enough. Good enough for who? Not good enough for my mom, my husband, my daughter. Who lives with me? My husband. Have I ever done housework in the 11 years we have been married? No. Why, because I know it will not be good enough for him. How do I know that? Because I did not do it good enough for my mom. Is that really true? No, when I do little things around the house like empty the dishwasher or do laundry, he is very happy and says thank you. So is it really true? No, it is not.
I went through a lot of arguments like this on paper to persuade myself that I can do creative housework, I can write if I want to, I can tell stories. What I do is good enough. Good enough for who? Good enough for me. And that is what matters. If other people share my opinion of what I do, all the better but my opinion is what counts for me. I AM good enough for me.
My plans to get up and do some housework went south with the chill. The house was chilled and I was weak, opting to stay tucked in and warm.
I did do some more work with The Artist's Way. I was working on my blurts. Blurts are the negative talk in your head that tells you that you can't do something or that you won't be any good. And the work I was doing yesterday and today, I came up with several that torment me. I will never be organized. I will never not be messy. I will sabotage myself when things are going well. I can't be successful because when I am doing well, I will become afraid, then I will not come out of the bedroom and I will lose my momentum. I will never be able to do housework the right way. The house will never be clean.
I started to turn the blurts into positive affirmations. I, TK, am getting organized and now have the space to create. I, TK, am a person that will put things back in their place. I, TK, will take things one day at a time. Success will not scare me. I can recognize opportunities and, if the time is right, take advantage of them. It is ok for me to get rid of things. Not all things are worthy of staying in my possession. More is not better. It is ok to let go of things. My home will not be less homey, I will not be less rich, with fewer possessions.
Mentally, I did a lot of work. It is hard to take negative things that have been in your head for so long and trying to come up with the positive side of it. It took me an hour to come up with some of the negative things that come to me when I am trying to be creative. You live with them for so long that you don't hear them anymore, they are just there and you automatically cringe when you try to do something creative, like me doing creative housework. I automatically know it will not be good enough. Good enough for who? Not good enough for my mom, my husband, my daughter. Who lives with me? My husband. Have I ever done housework in the 11 years we have been married? No. Why, because I know it will not be good enough for him. How do I know that? Because I did not do it good enough for my mom. Is that really true? No, when I do little things around the house like empty the dishwasher or do laundry, he is very happy and says thank you. So is it really true? No, it is not.
I went through a lot of arguments like this on paper to persuade myself that I can do creative housework, I can write if I want to, I can tell stories. What I do is good enough. Good enough for who? Good enough for me. And that is what matters. If other people share my opinion of what I do, all the better but my opinion is what counts for me. I AM good enough for me.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
So yesterday, this cold arctic wind blew in and changed our fall temperatures of 64 to a cold, plummeting, winter temperatures of 22. On went the heat and cold was felt throughout the land of Colorado. So when I woke up this morning, I told my husband I wanted to stay in bed all day and snuggle down under the covers. He told me to do that, went downstairs and gathered up my computer and my donuts, and returned them to me upstairs, in the bedroom. Now I know I should have been stronger and told him that I was going to get up and get dressed but no, I took the easy way out and stayed in bed all day. It took me all day to finish my 8 donut holes from Dunkin Donuts. And, just a few minutes ago, I ate two kit kats from the 5 pieces of Halloween candy.
So today I don't consider a set back. It was a comfortable time out. A little break from reality and hard work. I took it easy and read my new book I checked out of the library, The City by Dean Koontz. I only have 7 days from the time I checked it out on Monday, then I have to return the book. And it is a thick book, but good so far, from what I have read.
I took a nap today, I got up before 7am, and watched my favorite tv shows. I balanced our bank account and pulled out some butter to make grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. With tomato soup. Yum! I flitted around on the computer and just eased into the evening. When my husband came home, we ate.
Tomorrow I plan on getting up and getting dressed. Turning the heat up and working in the house. Put away a few things. Gather up our granddaughter's presents and get them shipped off to her. I am a little behind in doing it, her birthday is tomorrow. We will call her and see if she will talk to us on Skype.
So today I don't consider a set back. It was a comfortable time out. A little break from reality and hard work. I took it easy and read my new book I checked out of the library, The City by Dean Koontz. I only have 7 days from the time I checked it out on Monday, then I have to return the book. And it is a thick book, but good so far, from what I have read.
I took a nap today, I got up before 7am, and watched my favorite tv shows. I balanced our bank account and pulled out some butter to make grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. With tomato soup. Yum! I flitted around on the computer and just eased into the evening. When my husband came home, we ate.
Tomorrow I plan on getting up and getting dressed. Turning the heat up and working in the house. Put away a few things. Gather up our granddaughter's presents and get them shipped off to her. I am a little behind in doing it, her birthday is tomorrow. We will call her and see if she will talk to us on Skype.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Woo hoo! Today I woke up around 10, popped on the tv and started writing my morning pages. Big mistake! The minute I turned on the tv, I forgot a really interesting dream. I had problems writing my morning pages at all. Price is Right drove all my thoughts right out of my head and I struggled to write my 3 pages. I am hoping I dream the same dream again tonight so I can remember it. Lucid dreaming is really cool. Sometimes I dream God is talking to me and giving me messages. There has been two dreams, one was a message that I should listen to his Word carefully, not to what the masses are doing. Things society says are ok are not always ok with God. Listen to Him and pray, He will show you the Way. In the other dream, I was preforming a ritual and I threw away something that was given to me by God. I needed it and I was traumatized. I woke up in a terrible state, for sure that God didn't love me because I threw away his gift. The gist was small and insignificant to me but really was huge. I realized later that I wasn't using my creativity, making things, whether by words or matter. My gift of creativity was being wasted by watching endless hours of tv, hiding in my bedroom. My craft room has been filled with boxes and chucked full of "stuff". There was no way I could work with any of my beads or art materials, or even set up my sewing machine. So my husband finally took pity on me and moved all the boxes and bags out to the garage. He left me the chairs to clear off because I asked him to, these were all recent purchases that I want to put away. And I have the table to clear off but we have gotten boxes for that. In fact that is what I plan on doing tomorrow!
Coming downstairs is getting to be a lot easier now, getting dressed is a little harder to do. A big part of me cries out when I get up in the morning that today would be a good day to stay in bed, snuggle down and watch tv. Get my husband to bring up my computer and my bowl of cheerios (with a cut up banana and a teaspoon of sugar). Then I can take a nap and observe the world, not interact in it. It is oh, so tempting to do! It is safe in my bedroom, no one person or thing to can get to me, I can sleep, I can read, I can dream. But it is also a way to cut myself off from everything. And I don't want to do that anymore.
Today my husband went into work to find out he scheduled himself off since he has to work Saturday. So an hour later he came home. We hung out for a while, I got dressed and moved downstairs for breakfast. Just after lunch we went and spent an hour at the library. I got to read my magazines and make some copies of some crochet patterns. We picked up some books we had on reserve and I found the new Dean Koontz book, The City, in Rapid Reads and checked it out for a week. Dean Koontz is my favorite author!
We got home and started to work on Elroy, my 83 Chevy C10 pick up. We recently bought a new generator, which I think is called the alternator, and today tried to put it back in but it has been awhile since we took it out. We came inside to look it up but this artic wind came up and the temperature started dropping very rapidly. Our high peaked at 64 today, before noon. Now, we are in the 20s and the streets are filled with ice. Too slippery for me to drive tomorrow, so home I stay!
Tonight we went out to test the roads to see if I would be able to drive to my therapy session tomorrow (I won't) and went to our new Dunkin Donuts in the neighborhood. Yum! I was good, got a mint chocolate hot chocolate and a coffee roll. I got a fritter and donut holes for the morning.
I feel good today! I got out of the house and did some fun things, I learned some valuable lessons about tv and I made my goal of spending my day out of the bedroom. It's 9pm now, my husband is waiting for me upstairs to watch a movie and cuddling. So good night!
Coming downstairs is getting to be a lot easier now, getting dressed is a little harder to do. A big part of me cries out when I get up in the morning that today would be a good day to stay in bed, snuggle down and watch tv. Get my husband to bring up my computer and my bowl of cheerios (with a cut up banana and a teaspoon of sugar). Then I can take a nap and observe the world, not interact in it. It is oh, so tempting to do! It is safe in my bedroom, no one person or thing to can get to me, I can sleep, I can read, I can dream. But it is also a way to cut myself off from everything. And I don't want to do that anymore.
Today my husband went into work to find out he scheduled himself off since he has to work Saturday. So an hour later he came home. We hung out for a while, I got dressed and moved downstairs for breakfast. Just after lunch we went and spent an hour at the library. I got to read my magazines and make some copies of some crochet patterns. We picked up some books we had on reserve and I found the new Dean Koontz book, The City, in Rapid Reads and checked it out for a week. Dean Koontz is my favorite author!
We got home and started to work on Elroy, my 83 Chevy C10 pick up. We recently bought a new generator, which I think is called the alternator, and today tried to put it back in but it has been awhile since we took it out. We came inside to look it up but this artic wind came up and the temperature started dropping very rapidly. Our high peaked at 64 today, before noon. Now, we are in the 20s and the streets are filled with ice. Too slippery for me to drive tomorrow, so home I stay!
Tonight we went out to test the roads to see if I would be able to drive to my therapy session tomorrow (I won't) and went to our new Dunkin Donuts in the neighborhood. Yum! I was good, got a mint chocolate hot chocolate and a coffee roll. I got a fritter and donut holes for the morning.
I feel good today! I got out of the house and did some fun things, I learned some valuable lessons about tv and I made my goal of spending my day out of the bedroom. It's 9pm now, my husband is waiting for me upstairs to watch a movie and cuddling. So good night!
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
My goodness, have I been remiss! I haven't been putting in my progress at all since Thursday. Shame on me!
Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I met my goal of getting dressed and coming downstairs for the day. I got up, did my morning pages and got dressed. Now my husband was working on Thursday and Saturday but not on Friday. Thursday I got up and wrote. I did this without the tv on, which is something I am trying to do for 2 reasons. One, I can spend all morning and afternoon watching daytime tv, without getting out of bed. Thursday my husband helped me get ready and get downstairs before he left. He carried my computer down and helped set me up. Like I said before, I ended up taking an anxiety pill because it was new and all I wanted to do was run back up to my safe place, my bedroom! But later that night, I found out I hadn't taken my morning pills and that always makes me very emotional by mid-day.
Friday, my husband had the day off so when I woke up, I wrote my morning pages, from The Artist's Way, and then came downstairs, all without turning on the tv or waking him up. Now because he had stayed up til 4am, I later found out, he slept until almost noon! Thursday I left my computer and my copy of The Artist's Way downstairs, so all I needed to bring was my phone. I later went upstairs and got dressed. Then I went upstairs and took a 3 hour nap! Heavenly!
Saturday, I slept in a little and when I got up, I got dressed in my yoga outfit that my sister had given me for my 50th birthday. When I was planning my birthday party for my 50th birthday, I told everyone I expected a present. You only turn 50 once. I asked for silly things like a hula hoop (I already had one but wanted more), roller skates, that thing you put around your ankle and swing around and hop over your other foot, jump rope or other activity presents. I want to get back in shape and wanted a fun way to do it. So I'm a little behind! Anyway, later that day my neighbor called and asked me if I wanted some tomatoes and her very tall palm tree. I said yes so I did get out of the house for a little bit. Her palm tree reaches my ceiling! My husband brought the tree back over to our house and Janice gave me a box of tomatoes, some of them green. So for dinner that night we had Shake n' Bake extra crispy (baked) fried chicken with fried green tomatoes. Yum! And there are a lot of tomatoes going red. Got to get some paper bags to help them finish turning. Since my hubby had gotten up so early, we went to bed early, which is around midnight for us.
Today was a busy day, crochet-wise, that is. I have been working on making a stuffed crochet bulldog for my parents for Christmas. The pattern I have I got off of Etsy and it only has a picture of the finished toy, so each section you kind of have to do blind. My body is a bit too long, I think I may have miscalculated my rows, so the dog is going to be a little long. It may end up being a mutant bulldog. I finished making the body, the face, the neck and the snout. Now I have to whip stitch them all together. Now I am doing the whole dog in white yarn and will give my parents brown and black paint to put on the markings that their oldest bulldog, Sophie, has. She is the mom to two of their bulldogs, The Admiral and Lacy. Lacy is a Grand Champion and The Admiral is working on his Championship. Eventually I want to make them 3 bulldogs but can't get them all done before Christmas.
We had an amazing dinner of meatloaf with mashed potatoes and a tomato sauce with green beans, my favorite! Portion control is the big thing and I managed to stay within all that and still get full! I still haven't managed to send the Halloween candy with hubby to work, so I have been slowly eating it. 5 pieces today, couldn't help myself.
Tomorrow I plan on getting up, getting dressed in something other than my yoga outfit and coming downstairs. Then I will read the rest of the chapter on The Artist's Way and do some of the exercises. After I do that, I plan on cleaning up the craft room, what is left to put away. I might even get around to pulling books out of the boxes in the family room. Finish moving in, since it's only been 3 years. Have to get ready for the rug cleaning people coming on the 19th!
Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I met my goal of getting dressed and coming downstairs for the day. I got up, did my morning pages and got dressed. Now my husband was working on Thursday and Saturday but not on Friday. Thursday I got up and wrote. I did this without the tv on, which is something I am trying to do for 2 reasons. One, I can spend all morning and afternoon watching daytime tv, without getting out of bed. Thursday my husband helped me get ready and get downstairs before he left. He carried my computer down and helped set me up. Like I said before, I ended up taking an anxiety pill because it was new and all I wanted to do was run back up to my safe place, my bedroom! But later that night, I found out I hadn't taken my morning pills and that always makes me very emotional by mid-day.
Friday, my husband had the day off so when I woke up, I wrote my morning pages, from The Artist's Way, and then came downstairs, all without turning on the tv or waking him up. Now because he had stayed up til 4am, I later found out, he slept until almost noon! Thursday I left my computer and my copy of The Artist's Way downstairs, so all I needed to bring was my phone. I later went upstairs and got dressed. Then I went upstairs and took a 3 hour nap! Heavenly!
Saturday, I slept in a little and when I got up, I got dressed in my yoga outfit that my sister had given me for my 50th birthday. When I was planning my birthday party for my 50th birthday, I told everyone I expected a present. You only turn 50 once. I asked for silly things like a hula hoop (I already had one but wanted more), roller skates, that thing you put around your ankle and swing around and hop over your other foot, jump rope or other activity presents. I want to get back in shape and wanted a fun way to do it. So I'm a little behind! Anyway, later that day my neighbor called and asked me if I wanted some tomatoes and her very tall palm tree. I said yes so I did get out of the house for a little bit. Her palm tree reaches my ceiling! My husband brought the tree back over to our house and Janice gave me a box of tomatoes, some of them green. So for dinner that night we had Shake n' Bake extra crispy (baked) fried chicken with fried green tomatoes. Yum! And there are a lot of tomatoes going red. Got to get some paper bags to help them finish turning. Since my hubby had gotten up so early, we went to bed early, which is around midnight for us.
Today was a busy day, crochet-wise, that is. I have been working on making a stuffed crochet bulldog for my parents for Christmas. The pattern I have I got off of Etsy and it only has a picture of the finished toy, so each section you kind of have to do blind. My body is a bit too long, I think I may have miscalculated my rows, so the dog is going to be a little long. It may end up being a mutant bulldog. I finished making the body, the face, the neck and the snout. Now I have to whip stitch them all together. Now I am doing the whole dog in white yarn and will give my parents brown and black paint to put on the markings that their oldest bulldog, Sophie, has. She is the mom to two of their bulldogs, The Admiral and Lacy. Lacy is a Grand Champion and The Admiral is working on his Championship. Eventually I want to make them 3 bulldogs but can't get them all done before Christmas.
We had an amazing dinner of meatloaf with mashed potatoes and a tomato sauce with green beans, my favorite! Portion control is the big thing and I managed to stay within all that and still get full! I still haven't managed to send the Halloween candy with hubby to work, so I have been slowly eating it. 5 pieces today, couldn't help myself.
Tomorrow I plan on getting up, getting dressed in something other than my yoga outfit and coming downstairs. Then I will read the rest of the chapter on The Artist's Way and do some of the exercises. After I do that, I plan on cleaning up the craft room, what is left to put away. I might even get around to pulling books out of the boxes in the family room. Finish moving in, since it's only been 3 years. Have to get ready for the rug cleaning people coming on the 19th!
Friday, November 7, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
I did it! I was able to get up around 10am, and with the help of my husband, get dressed and moved downstairs to the family room! He moved my computer and I moved my phone charger and I was set up down there for the day. I am so proud of myself! And I stayed down out of the bedroom until 10pm. Just after he left at 1130am, I ended up having an anxiety attack so I ran upstairs, took my anxiety pill, then returned downstairs to spend some time doing deep breathing techniques and petting Emma, our grey cat. The attack passed and I was able to continue with my letter to my nephew on the computer.
I spent the day pleasantly engaged in watching tv, playing on the computer and reading. Now when I say playing on the computer, I don't mean playing games or anything like that. I check my email and manage it, go on Facebook and read, do status updates and message my cousins. Then I peruse craigslist, my favorite place. The things you can find on there for free, are amazing! Right now I am looking for wood furniture to gather and refinish, only my truck is still in pieces, at least the engine is, and all I can do is look. But I keep my eyes out for good deals. I have a whole load of stuff in the garage that I need to list on craigslist! I have just never been one for playing games on the computer or on my phone. We had a Playstation 2 for a while and only used it to watch dvds.
I was able to continue eating my Cheerios with a teaspoon of sugar for breakfast and that sustains me until lunch. I ate a nice peanut butter and apple butter on wheat bread sandwich with some carrot chips. I was craving something sweet so I was drinking Kool Aid for the day. Dinner was a couple of slices of a bell pepper, black olive and pineapple pizza hubby brought home at 9pm. While I was waiting for hubby to get off work and pick up the pizza, I did eat 3 snack sized packages of m&ms. Bad, I know! I have to have him take the rest of the Halloween candy into work to get it out of the house before I am as big as a house! Stupid candy!
So I made my goal of moving out of the bedroom. This is not the first time I have done it but everyday will be a challenge but it will get easier! I am leaving the computer downstairs so I am not even tempted to linger in bed. Now I am going to try to add a goal of walking on the treadmill or walking the dogs everyday. Going out and doing errands also counts as exercise. That's what i have planned for Friday
I spent the day pleasantly engaged in watching tv, playing on the computer and reading. Now when I say playing on the computer, I don't mean playing games or anything like that. I check my email and manage it, go on Facebook and read, do status updates and message my cousins. Then I peruse craigslist, my favorite place. The things you can find on there for free, are amazing! Right now I am looking for wood furniture to gather and refinish, only my truck is still in pieces, at least the engine is, and all I can do is look. But I keep my eyes out for good deals. I have a whole load of stuff in the garage that I need to list on craigslist! I have just never been one for playing games on the computer or on my phone. We had a Playstation 2 for a while and only used it to watch dvds.
I was able to continue eating my Cheerios with a teaspoon of sugar for breakfast and that sustains me until lunch. I ate a nice peanut butter and apple butter on wheat bread sandwich with some carrot chips. I was craving something sweet so I was drinking Kool Aid for the day. Dinner was a couple of slices of a bell pepper, black olive and pineapple pizza hubby brought home at 9pm. While I was waiting for hubby to get off work and pick up the pizza, I did eat 3 snack sized packages of m&ms. Bad, I know! I have to have him take the rest of the Halloween candy into work to get it out of the house before I am as big as a house! Stupid candy!
So I made my goal of moving out of the bedroom. This is not the first time I have done it but everyday will be a challenge but it will get easier! I am leaving the computer downstairs so I am not even tempted to linger in bed. Now I am going to try to add a goal of walking on the treadmill or walking the dogs everyday. Going out and doing errands also counts as exercise. That's what i have planned for Friday
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Well, today was a bust. In thinking about packing up my computer and books and moving the stuff downstairs, out of the bedroom, the anxiety was too much and I spent the whole day in my jammies in bed. Not a positive start to moving downstairs but, never fear, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it. Today was just getting used to the idea. Thought about trying to get dressed and even that was too much for me. But tomorrow, I have a plan.
I am going to get up with my husband and get dressed right away. Then I will make the bed. Then, before my husband leaves for work, I will have him help me take my computer downstairs. It's a laptop so I just have to unplug the charger and move it downstairs. Then I need to move my crochet downstairs. I started working on making a bulldog from a pattern I got from Etsy.com. My parents raise and show English Bulldogs and I thought making them one would be a good Christmas present. They have 3 bulldogs but I didn't start early enough to make more than one. I am making it in white and going to give them some brown and black paint to put their own markings on it. I will make them the other two as I can.
My thoughts were out of control today. Anxiety and feeling of being over-whelmed. I did some deep breathing and followed through with the thought. What would be the worst thing that would happen when I stop hanging out in my bedroom? I might have to clean up parts of the house. That's not so bad now, is it? The dogs won't be able to settle on the couch around me like they do on my bed but that's ok. They will still lie on the couch, behind the couch, and under the recliner. (My couch has a recliner at each end.) So they will still be with me. I will be dressed so will be able to go outside with the dogs and play with them or actually take them out for a walk. I have to walk the two small dogs first, Kira and Cookie. Then I have to take Baby out, our Rhodesian Ridgehound mix. All of us are overweight and could use the exercise. I have been eating better in the morning, a small bowl of cheerios with 2% milk and a teaspoon of sugar. Big improvement over my Cap't Crunch!
Actually thinking about my fear of moving downstairs is making me feel kind of silly for it being a big deal. I mean, it is more normal to get up and get dressed everyday, not agonize over a simple thing like that. But I hate the size I am and how the new pants are still too big (their 16/18 and I have to keep pulling them up) and I am all puffy. I feel fat and ugly. But my husband says I am beautiful, he says my insides show through my outside. He love me and my curves. I need to learn to love myself.
I think the lesson for the day is to do one step at a time. Tomorrow, my husband will help me get up, get dressed and move myself and my computer downstairs. He will show me how to work the tv and hook up the computer so I can watch my Project Runway. This is the goal I have for tomorrow. Any other plans I might do tomorrow, I will figure out then, but if I try to plan anything else tonight, I am setting myself up for another failure. Little steps and then maybe, someday, I can be the person my dog thinks I am.
I am going to get up with my husband and get dressed right away. Then I will make the bed. Then, before my husband leaves for work, I will have him help me take my computer downstairs. It's a laptop so I just have to unplug the charger and move it downstairs. Then I need to move my crochet downstairs. I started working on making a bulldog from a pattern I got from Etsy.com. My parents raise and show English Bulldogs and I thought making them one would be a good Christmas present. They have 3 bulldogs but I didn't start early enough to make more than one. I am making it in white and going to give them some brown and black paint to put their own markings on it. I will make them the other two as I can.
My thoughts were out of control today. Anxiety and feeling of being over-whelmed. I did some deep breathing and followed through with the thought. What would be the worst thing that would happen when I stop hanging out in my bedroom? I might have to clean up parts of the house. That's not so bad now, is it? The dogs won't be able to settle on the couch around me like they do on my bed but that's ok. They will still lie on the couch, behind the couch, and under the recliner. (My couch has a recliner at each end.) So they will still be with me. I will be dressed so will be able to go outside with the dogs and play with them or actually take them out for a walk. I have to walk the two small dogs first, Kira and Cookie. Then I have to take Baby out, our Rhodesian Ridgehound mix. All of us are overweight and could use the exercise. I have been eating better in the morning, a small bowl of cheerios with 2% milk and a teaspoon of sugar. Big improvement over my Cap't Crunch!
Actually thinking about my fear of moving downstairs is making me feel kind of silly for it being a big deal. I mean, it is more normal to get up and get dressed everyday, not agonize over a simple thing like that. But I hate the size I am and how the new pants are still too big (their 16/18 and I have to keep pulling them up) and I am all puffy. I feel fat and ugly. But my husband says I am beautiful, he says my insides show through my outside. He love me and my curves. I need to learn to love myself.
I think the lesson for the day is to do one step at a time. Tomorrow, my husband will help me get up, get dressed and move myself and my computer downstairs. He will show me how to work the tv and hook up the computer so I can watch my Project Runway. This is the goal I have for tomorrow. Any other plans I might do tomorrow, I will figure out then, but if I try to plan anything else tonight, I am setting myself up for another failure. Little steps and then maybe, someday, I can be the person my dog thinks I am.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
What a day! All the political stuff was coming to a head and stress on who was being elected to what is all coming down to finite ends. It doesn't matter that we had made our decisions weeks earlier and turned in our ballots then, many people had put off voting until this very day. Sometimes, to this very moments. People were still in line voting at 7pm!
My day started off good. We got up, showered, dressed and in the car within an hour. Though I missed writing my morning pages, we had enough time to stop at McD's for breakfast. I got the shortstack, a stack of three pancakes, and a large sweet and unsweetened iced tea. I dropped off my hubby at work and headed over to visit my therapist, Steve.
I had realized that there really isn't any difference in me hiding in my bedroom, staying in my jammies all day, being on the computer, reading and eating in the bedroom and me getting dressed and making the bed but still staying in my bedroom, playing on the computer, reading and watching tv. Steve agreed, I needed to get out of the bedroom. That's a scary thought for me, venturing out and spending my days out in the house. The bedroom is where I have everything I need, my computer, my dogs, warmth, comfort, books, and a smart tv. Downstairs is where there is housework, mess, adult things. Loneliness. Even on the days I have the car, I usually have not that many places to go and end up back home, up in the bedroom. It is the warmest room in the house and has a western view. I have a view out the window into one of our front trees and love staring into it starting in the fall to watch the squirrels play in it's branches. We have a couple of different species of woodpeckers that come to visit the tree and I have been watching them over the past 3 years. it is time to get out of this comfortable zone I have created that cocoons me from the work. Time to see what I have to offer the world and what the world has to offer me.
The first thing I have to do is move the computer downstairs, so I don't use it as an excuse to stay up here. Yes, I am sitting in bed as I write this. We have a library and I need to make the futon back into a couch again as it has been months since we had more company then would fit into the guest room. It is a lovely little room filled with books and my husband used to enjoy going into there and reading. Time to make it back into a wonderful room again.
I can come up with excuses that I want to rearrange the living room and need help to do that, but that is just putting off what needs to be done. The tv we have down there is nice. It is a 42 inch one, has a sound bar and a blueray dvd player that allows me to access Netflix and Amazon. There is an HDMI port and cable to hook up to the computer so I can watch other stuff like YouTube and Hulu Plus, but I don't know what settings are required and have always left that up to my husband. Time to learn the software of things.
As I contemplate the seemingly simple steps of what I need to do to move out of the bedroom, a sence of panic is looming and growing ever so slightly in my chest. I do not understand why but my anxiety levels are rising and more and more, I do not want to go. This may be tougher than I thought. I realize now that this is something I don't need to just do, it is something I must do.
My day started off good. We got up, showered, dressed and in the car within an hour. Though I missed writing my morning pages, we had enough time to stop at McD's for breakfast. I got the shortstack, a stack of three pancakes, and a large sweet and unsweetened iced tea. I dropped off my hubby at work and headed over to visit my therapist, Steve.
I had realized that there really isn't any difference in me hiding in my bedroom, staying in my jammies all day, being on the computer, reading and eating in the bedroom and me getting dressed and making the bed but still staying in my bedroom, playing on the computer, reading and watching tv. Steve agreed, I needed to get out of the bedroom. That's a scary thought for me, venturing out and spending my days out in the house. The bedroom is where I have everything I need, my computer, my dogs, warmth, comfort, books, and a smart tv. Downstairs is where there is housework, mess, adult things. Loneliness. Even on the days I have the car, I usually have not that many places to go and end up back home, up in the bedroom. It is the warmest room in the house and has a western view. I have a view out the window into one of our front trees and love staring into it starting in the fall to watch the squirrels play in it's branches. We have a couple of different species of woodpeckers that come to visit the tree and I have been watching them over the past 3 years. it is time to get out of this comfortable zone I have created that cocoons me from the work. Time to see what I have to offer the world and what the world has to offer me.
The first thing I have to do is move the computer downstairs, so I don't use it as an excuse to stay up here. Yes, I am sitting in bed as I write this. We have a library and I need to make the futon back into a couch again as it has been months since we had more company then would fit into the guest room. It is a lovely little room filled with books and my husband used to enjoy going into there and reading. Time to make it back into a wonderful room again.
I can come up with excuses that I want to rearrange the living room and need help to do that, but that is just putting off what needs to be done. The tv we have down there is nice. It is a 42 inch one, has a sound bar and a blueray dvd player that allows me to access Netflix and Amazon. There is an HDMI port and cable to hook up to the computer so I can watch other stuff like YouTube and Hulu Plus, but I don't know what settings are required and have always left that up to my husband. Time to learn the software of things.
As I contemplate the seemingly simple steps of what I need to do to move out of the bedroom, a sence of panic is looming and growing ever so slightly in my chest. I do not understand why but my anxiety levels are rising and more and more, I do not want to go. This may be tougher than I thought. I realize now that this is something I don't need to just do, it is something I must do.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Good news! After going way off track on Halloween with my life strives, I am back on track! I have managed to get a good nights sleep and back on the treadmill. Saturday I worked at our local Zoo, Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, watching one of our Orangutans that gave birth on 10/29/2014, as she learned to nurse the baby and take care of her. That was exciting, tracking all her movements and interacting with the keepers to make sure we were learning all she was doing. We are making sure supplement care for the baby is not needed and the mother is meeting all the demands of the baby. We are also learning new information to pass onto the public when they decide to open the building back up to our guests.
Saturday was good with all that exercise of walking around the Zoo. Today I have managed to keep up with that momentum by getting out of the house for errands, with the dogs, and walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Food-wise we haven't done so well. We have been eating fast food because we have been so busy. We have homemade food scheduled for tonight, a nice cheese lasagna, and for the rest of the week. Lots of salads to go with our main meals. And increased exercise with more housework set up for Monday.
Today I was able to get out to O'Reily's Auto Parts and pick up a rebuilt alternator for my pick-up. The first alternator they brought out was oriented the wrong way so the parts guy took it apart to fix it for my truck. It was a good thing as that one had a broken part inside and I wouldn't have realized it until after we had gotten the engine put back together! The next alternator they brought out was oriented the same way our old one was (I brought it with me to make sure I got the right part) so I was happy we didn't have to take that one apart. And, by bringing in the alternator, I avoided a core charge and another trip to the store.
Portion control is a big part of what I have been ignoring, so I am going to focus more on that while I am eating. I know from experience that in Weight Watchers they make you keep a list of all things that you put into your mouth. Now I don't have anyway to determine a point value to my food or figure out how many points I am supposed to eat but I remember when I kept track of how much I was eating and when, I was a lot more aware of what went into my mouth. Since I will write down what I am eating before I eat it, then I can ask myself if I really want to eat it. And if I am eating because I am hungry or just bored. I know I eat because I am bored a lot. Maybe I will pick up some gum, so if I am just bored but need that chewing, that is an alternative. At least that is what I am thinking.
Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 40s outside so it will be a chilly day inside. The dogs won't want to be outside so I will have to come up with some playing inside to wear them out. A little of fetch and some rough-housing. Maybe a game of chase, too. I know if I spend all day just sitting around in the bedroom, the dogs lay on the bed and sigh and whine. Especially our puppy, Baby. She is a year and a half old and likes to be active. When I just sit around all day she gets sad. I really don't like making her sad. She is a big motivator.
Saturday was good with all that exercise of walking around the Zoo. Today I have managed to keep up with that momentum by getting out of the house for errands, with the dogs, and walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Food-wise we haven't done so well. We have been eating fast food because we have been so busy. We have homemade food scheduled for tonight, a nice cheese lasagna, and for the rest of the week. Lots of salads to go with our main meals. And increased exercise with more housework set up for Monday.
Today I was able to get out to O'Reily's Auto Parts and pick up a rebuilt alternator for my pick-up. The first alternator they brought out was oriented the wrong way so the parts guy took it apart to fix it for my truck. It was a good thing as that one had a broken part inside and I wouldn't have realized it until after we had gotten the engine put back together! The next alternator they brought out was oriented the same way our old one was (I brought it with me to make sure I got the right part) so I was happy we didn't have to take that one apart. And, by bringing in the alternator, I avoided a core charge and another trip to the store.
Portion control is a big part of what I have been ignoring, so I am going to focus more on that while I am eating. I know from experience that in Weight Watchers they make you keep a list of all things that you put into your mouth. Now I don't have anyway to determine a point value to my food or figure out how many points I am supposed to eat but I remember when I kept track of how much I was eating and when, I was a lot more aware of what went into my mouth. Since I will write down what I am eating before I eat it, then I can ask myself if I really want to eat it. And if I am eating because I am hungry or just bored. I know I eat because I am bored a lot. Maybe I will pick up some gum, so if I am just bored but need that chewing, that is an alternative. At least that is what I am thinking.
Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 40s outside so it will be a chilly day inside. The dogs won't want to be outside so I will have to come up with some playing inside to wear them out. A little of fetch and some rough-housing. Maybe a game of chase, too. I know if I spend all day just sitting around in the bedroom, the dogs lay on the bed and sigh and whine. Especially our puppy, Baby. She is a year and a half old and likes to be active. When I just sit around all day she gets sad. I really don't like making her sad. She is a big motivator.
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