Today was an expensive day. I woke up suddenly and with urgency that I had to get up RIGHT THEN! Once I was out of bed, I didn't know why. I thought about it for a minute, wasn't sure, but the alarm was going to go off in 5 minutes anyways, so I went to the bathroom.
But Baby had jumped up from laying on the bed, causing Cookie to start to roll onto her back, she tried to right herself and started yelping in pain. Hubby sat up and leaned over to her and I was right there and saw that Baby hadn't stepped on her. So we calmed her down, felt her leg and shoulder, and reassured her. We picked her up and put her on the floor. She wouldn't put any weight on the leg. Hubby carried her out to the backyard to pee. Then he carried her in.
I grabbed a yogurt, let the dogs back in, well, I let Baby back in. Kira likes to stay outside, even when it's cold and this morning was chilly but not cold. Being a Corgi, she has a double coat, so I think it gets a little too warm inside for her. She prefers not to sleep on the bed with us, it's too hot for her. I headed back upstairs, turned on the tv, and got back in bed to watch the news. Then I took my morning pills, got dressed and went to my Prayer Shawl Meeting at the Church. The Catholic Church.
Prayer Shawl is a meeting of women that get together and do needlework. We make prayer shawls, hats, scarves, baby blankets, and lap blankets. The Church gives them out as needed. We knit, crochet, weave on lap looms and talk. We share patterns and distribute donated yarn. Marilyn took over the group a few months ago, and organizes all of it. I'd like to start taking in a coffee cake or something for the mornings. It would be nice to have a snack there.
I should have just gone to the store and gone home but I was feeling pretty depressed and didn't want to go home. I wanted to go out to eat, sit and read my book and have blueberry pancakes. We didn't have the extra money for it, but I did it anyway.
I went to a Diner I saw a sign for last week called Doug's. It's over by where we live and I was curious. The blueberry pancakes were as big as dinner plates, there were two of them, and they were half an inch thick, so fluffy. That and a big glass of V8 was $10.85. I left a $4 tip.
I drove to Walmart to pick up the mega container of Salsa, Pepsi, Hefty 2.5 gallon Slider Bags, frozen mixed veggies for the chicken pot pie filling I was making. I should have known better, the mood I was in I found several other things I needed. Walked out to the tune of $58. All stuff we use and needed, but could have waited a day or two.
I went home to check on Cookie and take the dogs out. I had to carry Cookie down the back steps and outside. The other dogs crowded around when I put her down to see what was wrong with her. She still yelped. So I called the vet to try to get her in tomorrow. They were booked so I called my old vet and they had an opening this afternoon. Cool! I picked up Cookie, jumped in the Bug, and drove over.
I found out the office visit and exam is now $50. Woah! They did an xray to rule out spine problems and came to the conclusion she had a pinched nerve. They gave her a shot of an anti inflammatory and gave me 14 daily chewies of anti inflammatories. $225. When I told hubby, he said we will never go back there again.
I got home and once again unplugged the crockpot, that one of the guys had plugged back in. I defrosted another pound of hamburger. Then I went upstairs to sit down for a little bit and watch Dr Phil and the news.
At 530pm, I fed the dogs and cats and rattie boys. I cooked the hamburger, 2.5 pounds, with taco seasoning. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup for Frank and me. I drained the hamburger, put it in a bowl with paper towels to finish getting fat off. I got Frank to unload the dishwasher and do the dishes. When the hamburger was cool enough, I put it in a gallon sized bag and put in the fridge. When hubby gets home at 1030pm, I will have him take the two gallons of milk out of the fridge, put them in the garage, and then we will put the crockpot in the fridge. The garage is cold enough to keep the milk cold but with the chicken still warm, I want it in the fridge.
Tomorrow I will assemble the Mexican Casserole and make the Chicken Pot Pie filling. These two alone with make several meals. I will be freezing a lot of the Chicken Pot Pie filling. I will be making enough of the Mexican Casserole to take a pan over to my parents on Saturday. I should also make some rice, so Frank can put the rice with the casserole in a flour tortilla and make burritos.
I feel better today. I was able to do things and make some plans. I still have a deep sadness inside of me that I don't know what to do about. When hubby asked last night if there was anything he could do, I said yes, and he asked what it was, and I couldn't answer. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will decompensate and nobody can help me. That he can't or won't help me. I want so bad to have him tell me it will be alright, that no matter what happens or where I go, he will always find me. He will never let me go. But if he said those things right now, I won't believe him. Because when I really needed him to be there and reassure me, he was unable to do it. There is a block in my head right now.
Steve, the therapist, says I need to turn my fears over to God. It says in the Bible 366 times versions of Do Not Be Afraid. One for each day of the week and one to spare. I'm trying. I'm making an effort to pray when I think about it and talk to God again. Rebuilding that trust in hubby is going to have to wait.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Today was a doing day. Last night I had hubby set the alarm for 9am for me. He had planned on getting up at 715am and leaving to be at work by 8-830. But at 8, he woke me up to tell me that one of our checking accounts was in the negative and to discuss what we were going to do. It's so not fun being woken up like that and being told to think right away. But he told me that we had enough money in the other checking account to pay the tax bill from last month that we forgot to pay, and this month, which is two days overdue. So I told him I would write out the checks and get the payment coupons filled out so that he could mail them out today.
He told me he would come back after he went to his office while he was on his way to Denver to pick everything up. I kissed him goodbye and got some yogurt and went back to bed to watch tv. I thought about trying to go back to sleep but I was too anxious. So I ate, played on Instagram and texted Holly.
Hubby called when he was heading out and I had the coupons and checks ready. I was getting dressed and had to still feed the animals when he got home so he fed the animals for me. He made himself some lunch to take with him and we left. I was on my way to therapy and he was on his way to Denver.
I have been working with Steve on my situation for a couple of weeks now. Being afraid that I am going to backslide in my mental illness, all the way back to crazy town. Voices, blackouts, sleeping around, alcohol, and that all leading to being alone and homeless, unmedicated and no therapy.
My confrontation with hubby about how I was feeling being afraid of all this happening and that one of my big stressors was being mad at hum and Frank not being stresssed enough and him getting mad at me for it, and glossing over my fears, has led to me being not trusting that hubby can be there for me if mentally I ever break down. This is the first time since we got together in 1995 that I have ever felt this way. What I wanted him to say, was to take me in his arms or just look me in the eye and tell me that he would always be here and it would be ok. That no matter what would happen, he would always be here and if I had a blackout and disappeared, he would never stop looking for me and will find me.
I've had nightmares that happen every once in awhile since I've known him. I wake up in some city, come out of a blackout while walking. I don't have any money. I find a payphone but in order to call collect, I have to know his number but I can't remember it. I always wake up in a complete panic and it takes an anxiety pill and a couple of hours for me to calm down. If hubby isn't home when I wake up, I have to call him. For some reason, when he got this new cell last summer, I still can't remember the number. And whether it's true or not, I don't think you can call collect to a cell phone. We don't have a land line and when we did, we never answered it anyways. We couldn't even remember the number. It just came with the cable, that we don't have anymore either.
So after therapy, I came home. I picked up my glasses and let the dogs out and back in, then went over to Janice's. We were going to lunch at Margarita's on The Pines to make sure Janice knew how to get there for a job interview lunch she was having on Thursday. We were eating there so she would know what to order, and take two variables out of the stress she would have that day.
They had a very simple menu. We both chose the popular Salad, Soup, Dessert choice for $12. I got a hot tea for $2.50. The hot tea was their own mix of cinnamon tea. We received a bread board with a fresh loaf of wholewheat bread with pimento cheese spread and butter. Very tasty! Then we received our salad course. It came dressed with their own dressing. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked it or not, but I did eat all of the salad. There was a lot of oil in the dressing. I'm not used to being able to taste the oil.
There was a choice of two different soups, some seafood bisque and a beef barley. We chose the beef barley. It was very good and had a tomato influence in the broth. I didn't eat the chunks of beef in there, meat doesn't taste really good right now. But I set them aside so I could get every last drop of soup and barley there was! In the case of the salad and the soup, the server offered us more if we wanted it. But both Janice and I were full. Then she brought us dessert. Janice was surprised as she hadn't read the whole description of the meal, but I had. It was a slice of coconut cake with vanilla seasoning, sprinkled with powdered sugar. It was so good, but I couldn't eat all of it. With tip, I spent $20.
Next we went to Chapel Hills Mall to the movie theater. Janice had been dying to see the new Star Wars film and her husband had gone without her. She asked me to go with her as she had no one else to go. She really doesn't have any other friends either. So after much postponement, we finally made it.
The theater only had the 3D version showing at the time she wanted to go and the normal time would get us home too late, her husband would be very upset. No comment. So the tickets were $10.50. I am still just drinking hot tea and oj, so didn't want to get a soda. So I asked for a bottle of water, but a regular size bottle of water was $5! So I said no, please put it back, and then she told me I could have a water cup and get some at the fountain. I said thanks. Janice got the large bag of popcorn and a large drink, and they were having a special of $5 for the combo, so it was only $7.50. The medium sized drink and popcorn would have been $13. Movies are expensive!
So the movie was 2 and a half hours long and there was half an hour of previews. Most of them were for animated movies, it was a little strange. There is one animated movie I would like to see, The Secret Life of Pets. I love animals and like to think they have interesting lives independent of us sometimes.
So I found out that Leigha and Hans were married but he went his own way when their son, Ben, betrayed Luke when he was training Jedis, and Ben went over to the Dark Side. A Storm Trooper can't kill innocent people and found a way out, rescuing a Resistance Fighter. They escaped the newest version of Darth Vader and that big ship. Lots of stuff happens, and the Storm Trooper, who was called by a number, was renamed Finn. Finn meets a girl and helps her and a droid, not R2D2, get to the Resistance Fighters. Along the way, Hans and Chewie rescue them and get back together with Hans' old ship, the Milinium Falcon. Hans feels fatherly towards the girl, takes them to the Resistance Fighters. Side trip leads the girl, Rea, to find Luke's lightsaber. She discovers she had the Force inside her and she rejects it. She gets captured by the Darth Vader replacement, who we find out is Leigha and Hans son, Ben.
Yada, Yada, Yada. There is another type of Death Star, one a hundred times bigger. It draws all the energy out of a sun, then uses that to destroy planets, which they do, several times. Blah, Blah, Blah. Finn, Rea, Hans and Risistance Fighters all attack the new Death Star and destroy it but not before New Darth Vader/Ben kills his dad and goes totally Dark Side. Everyone gasps! Hans Solo is DEAD! Ta Dum!
Rea finds the Force within her, has a big fight with the New Darth Vader, wins but is prevented from killing him. Do I hear sequel, anyone? And goes back with Finn and Chewie to deliver the news to Leigha. R2D2 revives just then and provides the missing map, or part of it, with the new droid giving the missing piece, the map to find Luke Skywalker, who is in a self imposed exile because of Ben.
Rea and Chewie leave and go find Luke. The last 2 minutes of the film, if that, are of her walking towards a hooded figure, facing away from her. Then he turns, stares, then lowers his hood. It is a bearded, much older Luke. Close up of his face. Close up of her's. The end. Luke has no lines.
We got home minutes before Janice's husband so she was really happy. She says she is not sure why she is staying with him. But she still wants to sell the house and move to Florida with him. Go figure.
The only other thing I did after I got home was feed the beasties at night. I also defrosted the hamburger. The poor rattie boys haven't had their cage cleaned in over a month!
Tomorrow I have a Red Hat luncheon at The Golden Corral at 11am. When I get home, I plan to really clean the rattie boys home. They deserve so much better! And I fed the stray cats again. Nobody else did it while I was sick.
He told me he would come back after he went to his office while he was on his way to Denver to pick everything up. I kissed him goodbye and got some yogurt and went back to bed to watch tv. I thought about trying to go back to sleep but I was too anxious. So I ate, played on Instagram and texted Holly.
Hubby called when he was heading out and I had the coupons and checks ready. I was getting dressed and had to still feed the animals when he got home so he fed the animals for me. He made himself some lunch to take with him and we left. I was on my way to therapy and he was on his way to Denver.
I have been working with Steve on my situation for a couple of weeks now. Being afraid that I am going to backslide in my mental illness, all the way back to crazy town. Voices, blackouts, sleeping around, alcohol, and that all leading to being alone and homeless, unmedicated and no therapy.
My confrontation with hubby about how I was feeling being afraid of all this happening and that one of my big stressors was being mad at hum and Frank not being stresssed enough and him getting mad at me for it, and glossing over my fears, has led to me being not trusting that hubby can be there for me if mentally I ever break down. This is the first time since we got together in 1995 that I have ever felt this way. What I wanted him to say, was to take me in his arms or just look me in the eye and tell me that he would always be here and it would be ok. That no matter what would happen, he would always be here and if I had a blackout and disappeared, he would never stop looking for me and will find me.
I've had nightmares that happen every once in awhile since I've known him. I wake up in some city, come out of a blackout while walking. I don't have any money. I find a payphone but in order to call collect, I have to know his number but I can't remember it. I always wake up in a complete panic and it takes an anxiety pill and a couple of hours for me to calm down. If hubby isn't home when I wake up, I have to call him. For some reason, when he got this new cell last summer, I still can't remember the number. And whether it's true or not, I don't think you can call collect to a cell phone. We don't have a land line and when we did, we never answered it anyways. We couldn't even remember the number. It just came with the cable, that we don't have anymore either.
So after therapy, I came home. I picked up my glasses and let the dogs out and back in, then went over to Janice's. We were going to lunch at Margarita's on The Pines to make sure Janice knew how to get there for a job interview lunch she was having on Thursday. We were eating there so she would know what to order, and take two variables out of the stress she would have that day.
They had a very simple menu. We both chose the popular Salad, Soup, Dessert choice for $12. I got a hot tea for $2.50. The hot tea was their own mix of cinnamon tea. We received a bread board with a fresh loaf of wholewheat bread with pimento cheese spread and butter. Very tasty! Then we received our salad course. It came dressed with their own dressing. I couldn't make up my mind if I liked it or not, but I did eat all of the salad. There was a lot of oil in the dressing. I'm not used to being able to taste the oil.
There was a choice of two different soups, some seafood bisque and a beef barley. We chose the beef barley. It was very good and had a tomato influence in the broth. I didn't eat the chunks of beef in there, meat doesn't taste really good right now. But I set them aside so I could get every last drop of soup and barley there was! In the case of the salad and the soup, the server offered us more if we wanted it. But both Janice and I were full. Then she brought us dessert. Janice was surprised as she hadn't read the whole description of the meal, but I had. It was a slice of coconut cake with vanilla seasoning, sprinkled with powdered sugar. It was so good, but I couldn't eat all of it. With tip, I spent $20.
Next we went to Chapel Hills Mall to the movie theater. Janice had been dying to see the new Star Wars film and her husband had gone without her. She asked me to go with her as she had no one else to go. She really doesn't have any other friends either. So after much postponement, we finally made it.
The theater only had the 3D version showing at the time she wanted to go and the normal time would get us home too late, her husband would be very upset. No comment. So the tickets were $10.50. I am still just drinking hot tea and oj, so didn't want to get a soda. So I asked for a bottle of water, but a regular size bottle of water was $5! So I said no, please put it back, and then she told me I could have a water cup and get some at the fountain. I said thanks. Janice got the large bag of popcorn and a large drink, and they were having a special of $5 for the combo, so it was only $7.50. The medium sized drink and popcorn would have been $13. Movies are expensive!
So the movie was 2 and a half hours long and there was half an hour of previews. Most of them were for animated movies, it was a little strange. There is one animated movie I would like to see, The Secret Life of Pets. I love animals and like to think they have interesting lives independent of us sometimes.
So I found out that Leigha and Hans were married but he went his own way when their son, Ben, betrayed Luke when he was training Jedis, and Ben went over to the Dark Side. A Storm Trooper can't kill innocent people and found a way out, rescuing a Resistance Fighter. They escaped the newest version of Darth Vader and that big ship. Lots of stuff happens, and the Storm Trooper, who was called by a number, was renamed Finn. Finn meets a girl and helps her and a droid, not R2D2, get to the Resistance Fighters. Along the way, Hans and Chewie rescue them and get back together with Hans' old ship, the Milinium Falcon. Hans feels fatherly towards the girl, takes them to the Resistance Fighters. Side trip leads the girl, Rea, to find Luke's lightsaber. She discovers she had the Force inside her and she rejects it. She gets captured by the Darth Vader replacement, who we find out is Leigha and Hans son, Ben.
Yada, Yada, Yada. There is another type of Death Star, one a hundred times bigger. It draws all the energy out of a sun, then uses that to destroy planets, which they do, several times. Blah, Blah, Blah. Finn, Rea, Hans and Risistance Fighters all attack the new Death Star and destroy it but not before New Darth Vader/Ben kills his dad and goes totally Dark Side. Everyone gasps! Hans Solo is DEAD! Ta Dum!
Rea finds the Force within her, has a big fight with the New Darth Vader, wins but is prevented from killing him. Do I hear sequel, anyone? And goes back with Finn and Chewie to deliver the news to Leigha. R2D2 revives just then and provides the missing map, or part of it, with the new droid giving the missing piece, the map to find Luke Skywalker, who is in a self imposed exile because of Ben.
Rea and Chewie leave and go find Luke. The last 2 minutes of the film, if that, are of her walking towards a hooded figure, facing away from her. Then he turns, stares, then lowers his hood. It is a bearded, much older Luke. Close up of his face. Close up of her's. The end. Luke has no lines.
We got home minutes before Janice's husband so she was really happy. She says she is not sure why she is staying with him. But she still wants to sell the house and move to Florida with him. Go figure.
The only other thing I did after I got home was feed the beasties at night. I also defrosted the hamburger. The poor rattie boys haven't had their cage cleaned in over a month!
Tomorrow I have a Red Hat luncheon at The Golden Corral at 11am. When I get home, I plan to really clean the rattie boys home. They deserve so much better! And I fed the stray cats again. Nobody else did it while I was sick.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Today was an (sort of) assertive day. I had a doctor appointment with one of my physician's assistants, Laura Morris. A real get to the problem, let's diagnose this quick, sort of no nonsense type of person. I like her but she does intimidate me a little. My appointment was at 715a, so we have the alarm set for 615am, me get out of bed at 625am, and leave the house at 640am. I scheduled the appointment at this Gosh awful hour because I wanted to get to Prayer Shawl meeting today and not miss it again. Trying to make it a habit of going each 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month from 9-11am.
Surprisingly, hubby got up and got dressed to go with me. He said it was what any good husband would do. I told him I understood if he wanted to stay home, but I thanked him for coming after he said he was. I like it when he goes with me and drives.
The first appointment of the day is at 7am, and I don't think anyone had it today. I got there, checked in and got my new insurance information updated to the system, my Humana Medicare Advantage Plan. It's my secondary insurance now, instead of straight Medicare. So my primary insurance, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, covers 80% after an $800 deductible. Humana covers all doctor's visits 100% without a deductible. So I should be covered for this visit today, without any cost to me.
I was seeing Laura for the pimple-y rash that has been slowly spreading across my face for two months now. I have been using vodka as an astringent to clean my face, then a lotion to moisturize. Laura said this was a (insert gobbligook doctor-nese term here), and formed in the creases of the nose, mouth, lips, chin, eyebrows and sometimes spread onto the scalp. A medicated shampoo will treat it and she put in the prescription. I'm to apply and lather it every day, let it sit for a few minutes, then rinse. I can then clean my face like I want to but check to see if the lotion I am using has a particular something in it that can cause pimples to form on the face. Great! And I can't remember what she said. But lotion is a lotion my tattoo artist said to use on my tattoo, but it is a body lotion, so maybe I shouldn't use it on my face, just in case.
Hubby tried his best to be there in the room for the appointment but he kept having to run to the bathroom. His bladder was spasming something fierce, because of the cold, we think. So I just met him out in the waiting room when I was done. We were down to change, so couldn't stop at Kum and Go for drinks on the way back but he told me he had $2 in quarters in his bag that he would give me so I could get a Cherry Pepsi on my way to the Prayer Shawl meeting.
We fed the beasties when we got home and then I sat at the computer for a little while and let the rattie boys out to roam. I have to clean off the craft table as they only have a small space right now, half of the table is piled high again. Their cage desperately needs cleaning and tomorrow I will be home all day, so will do it then.
I got to Prayer Shawl about half an hour late, at 930am. I didn't leave the house until 9, went to Kum and Go, refilled my cup and went. It was wonderful. Everyone said hi when I walked in. I recognized most of them, even though I only know a handful of names. The church switched out our two big tables for one big table so it was a much tighter space. Good thing we didn't have the normal amount of ladies there. They told me to pull up a chair and squeeze in. I ended up sitting next to Cindy, who I know from here and Church Bingo. This club is held at my church, Holy Apostles Catholic Church. I felt welcomed and settled right in. I spent most of the time unraveling a huge mess of my skein of yarn and working backwards to ball it. But I finally got it untangled and was able to work on crocheting my shawl for about half an hour. I will be able to finish it at home.
On my way out, I found two books that the library had for sale for $1 each and I had found $2 in my pocket! One is a humorous devotional that called to me and the other is a book of an interview with the Dali Lama. I have a huge hole in my life that cries out for peace and this book promises to give me a view to consider to apply to my life.
I went home and hubby was up in bed. He had started doing the laundry to get the bedding clean so we could change the comforter and the sheets. I had gotten 4 bedbug bites on my right arm, right on my dragon tattoo! And he had gotten one on his tummy. It was the third night on our bedding. When the bedding was dry, and we were taking off the old stuff, I did find one bedbug and squished it. Really can't go more than two nights on bedding!
I was supposed to leave at 315pm to go to a Red Hat Fashion Show and Dinner, but I really didn't want to go. From what I knew, most of my now small group, was in the show, except for me. And that meant I would be sitting by myself with ladies I didn't know, and eating with them. I knew I wouldn't get my $25 back but when I talked to hubby, he didn't mind either.
So I called JudithMary and told her we were at the doctor's, which I was, and that hubby was really ill, which he was, with a bad bladder infection, which is true. It was very painful to walk, which it was this morning, and I needed to stay home and take care of him. She said I wouldn't get a refund, and I said I understood.
The weight I felt lifted off of me after the phone call was immense! I'm not feeling anything in common with the ladies left in our group, no connection. I have been so preoccupied with the bedbugs and the depression, I have pretty much blown JudithMary off by not calling her back, telling her I would call and then not. So I have guilt built up with her. And then I just finally renewed my national Red Hat membership, when it had expired in August of last year. And one of the requirements of being in JudithMary's group is to have that membership up to date. What can I say?
So today at Prayer Shawl, I found out when and where Bingo is going to be. With Lois no longer going, I'll be driving myself. But then I will meet with Lynn and Lisa and they used to belong to JudithMary's group too but Judithmary asked them to leave. Or at least, asked Lynn to leave. Lynn has mental illness of some sort, too. And according to JudithMary, Lynn told her that she had homicidal fantasies of killing the group. So she asked her not to come back. But they belong to another group and I'm going to see if I can come visit their group. I like Lynn, she's pretty loud and can be obnoxious, but I can deal with her. And she is very friendly and has invited me to come before.
I spent the rest of the day with hubby, doing laundry and watching tv. We went out for a little bit after Frank got home, to pull out the money he gave us, go to the Pot Shop to get pot for him and hubby, and go to the grocery store. I'm going to make one of hubby's favorite dishes tomorrow, Chicken and Cabbage in red sauce. I'm making enough to take dinner over to mom and dad's on Saturday. I got a spaghetti sauce that is similar to the kind we usually get in the jar to make the dish, but got the kind in the can that mom says doesn't give her an upset tummy. I already know they like cabbage, so I hope they like it.
Hubby is feeling better, still peaked, but moving around so when he goes back to work tomorrow, he will be used to being up and around. He doesn't know if he will work a whole day or not. but he is making Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper for him and Frank for dinner. I'm eating the rest of my Hot and Sour soup that I have leftover, and maybe some leftover potatoes skins. Later we plan on having cheese and crackers, if hubby is up to it. I've been making him drink lots this afternoon but since he woke up from his nap, I haven't force the issue and I haven't seen him drinking anything. I will have to get him to start again. He has to flush out the bacteria from his bladder and also the antibiotic is very strong and needs him to drink lots or it will make him queasy.
Surprisingly, hubby got up and got dressed to go with me. He said it was what any good husband would do. I told him I understood if he wanted to stay home, but I thanked him for coming after he said he was. I like it when he goes with me and drives.
The first appointment of the day is at 7am, and I don't think anyone had it today. I got there, checked in and got my new insurance information updated to the system, my Humana Medicare Advantage Plan. It's my secondary insurance now, instead of straight Medicare. So my primary insurance, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, covers 80% after an $800 deductible. Humana covers all doctor's visits 100% without a deductible. So I should be covered for this visit today, without any cost to me.
I was seeing Laura for the pimple-y rash that has been slowly spreading across my face for two months now. I have been using vodka as an astringent to clean my face, then a lotion to moisturize. Laura said this was a (insert gobbligook doctor-nese term here), and formed in the creases of the nose, mouth, lips, chin, eyebrows and sometimes spread onto the scalp. A medicated shampoo will treat it and she put in the prescription. I'm to apply and lather it every day, let it sit for a few minutes, then rinse. I can then clean my face like I want to but check to see if the lotion I am using has a particular something in it that can cause pimples to form on the face. Great! And I can't remember what she said. But lotion is a lotion my tattoo artist said to use on my tattoo, but it is a body lotion, so maybe I shouldn't use it on my face, just in case.
Hubby tried his best to be there in the room for the appointment but he kept having to run to the bathroom. His bladder was spasming something fierce, because of the cold, we think. So I just met him out in the waiting room when I was done. We were down to change, so couldn't stop at Kum and Go for drinks on the way back but he told me he had $2 in quarters in his bag that he would give me so I could get a Cherry Pepsi on my way to the Prayer Shawl meeting.
We fed the beasties when we got home and then I sat at the computer for a little while and let the rattie boys out to roam. I have to clean off the craft table as they only have a small space right now, half of the table is piled high again. Their cage desperately needs cleaning and tomorrow I will be home all day, so will do it then.
I got to Prayer Shawl about half an hour late, at 930am. I didn't leave the house until 9, went to Kum and Go, refilled my cup and went. It was wonderful. Everyone said hi when I walked in. I recognized most of them, even though I only know a handful of names. The church switched out our two big tables for one big table so it was a much tighter space. Good thing we didn't have the normal amount of ladies there. They told me to pull up a chair and squeeze in. I ended up sitting next to Cindy, who I know from here and Church Bingo. This club is held at my church, Holy Apostles Catholic Church. I felt welcomed and settled right in. I spent most of the time unraveling a huge mess of my skein of yarn and working backwards to ball it. But I finally got it untangled and was able to work on crocheting my shawl for about half an hour. I will be able to finish it at home.
On my way out, I found two books that the library had for sale for $1 each and I had found $2 in my pocket! One is a humorous devotional that called to me and the other is a book of an interview with the Dali Lama. I have a huge hole in my life that cries out for peace and this book promises to give me a view to consider to apply to my life.
I went home and hubby was up in bed. He had started doing the laundry to get the bedding clean so we could change the comforter and the sheets. I had gotten 4 bedbug bites on my right arm, right on my dragon tattoo! And he had gotten one on his tummy. It was the third night on our bedding. When the bedding was dry, and we were taking off the old stuff, I did find one bedbug and squished it. Really can't go more than two nights on bedding!
I was supposed to leave at 315pm to go to a Red Hat Fashion Show and Dinner, but I really didn't want to go. From what I knew, most of my now small group, was in the show, except for me. And that meant I would be sitting by myself with ladies I didn't know, and eating with them. I knew I wouldn't get my $25 back but when I talked to hubby, he didn't mind either.
So I called JudithMary and told her we were at the doctor's, which I was, and that hubby was really ill, which he was, with a bad bladder infection, which is true. It was very painful to walk, which it was this morning, and I needed to stay home and take care of him. She said I wouldn't get a refund, and I said I understood.
The weight I felt lifted off of me after the phone call was immense! I'm not feeling anything in common with the ladies left in our group, no connection. I have been so preoccupied with the bedbugs and the depression, I have pretty much blown JudithMary off by not calling her back, telling her I would call and then not. So I have guilt built up with her. And then I just finally renewed my national Red Hat membership, when it had expired in August of last year. And one of the requirements of being in JudithMary's group is to have that membership up to date. What can I say?
So today at Prayer Shawl, I found out when and where Bingo is going to be. With Lois no longer going, I'll be driving myself. But then I will meet with Lynn and Lisa and they used to belong to JudithMary's group too but Judithmary asked them to leave. Or at least, asked Lynn to leave. Lynn has mental illness of some sort, too. And according to JudithMary, Lynn told her that she had homicidal fantasies of killing the group. So she asked her not to come back. But they belong to another group and I'm going to see if I can come visit their group. I like Lynn, she's pretty loud and can be obnoxious, but I can deal with her. And she is very friendly and has invited me to come before.
I spent the rest of the day with hubby, doing laundry and watching tv. We went out for a little bit after Frank got home, to pull out the money he gave us, go to the Pot Shop to get pot for him and hubby, and go to the grocery store. I'm going to make one of hubby's favorite dishes tomorrow, Chicken and Cabbage in red sauce. I'm making enough to take dinner over to mom and dad's on Saturday. I got a spaghetti sauce that is similar to the kind we usually get in the jar to make the dish, but got the kind in the can that mom says doesn't give her an upset tummy. I already know they like cabbage, so I hope they like it.
Hubby is feeling better, still peaked, but moving around so when he goes back to work tomorrow, he will be used to being up and around. He doesn't know if he will work a whole day or not. but he is making Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper for him and Frank for dinner. I'm eating the rest of my Hot and Sour soup that I have leftover, and maybe some leftover potatoes skins. Later we plan on having cheese and crackers, if hubby is up to it. I've been making him drink lots this afternoon but since he woke up from his nap, I haven't force the issue and I haven't seen him drinking anything. I will have to get him to start again. He has to flush out the bacteria from his bladder and also the antibiotic is very strong and needs him to drink lots or it will make him queasy.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Today was a tolerance day. Hubby has a bad bladder infection and was home yesterday, called in sick with gut pain. He said that it hurt in his gut all the time, hurt a little more when he peed. So I called in and got him a doctor's appointment at 1115am. He went and they put him on Sipro, a strong antibiotic. Now he was told that he needed to drink lots of fluid, non-caffeinated fluids, to flush out his system and bladder while taking this. So he started taking the antibiotic Tuesday afternoon and Tuesday evening. I tried to push Kool Aid on him but he insisted on drinking a huge glass of his iced coffee he makes too.
Comes this morning, he gets up early and takes his pills, including his antibiotic, without eating. Now this antibiotic is one that he has taken before and it always gives him an upset stomach if he doesn't eat with it. So of course, a little while later, he starts throwing up, a lot. And when he took his pills he only drank enough to take them, without drinking a full glass of fluids. So they sat on an empty stomach for an hour. So he throws up violently for awhile. When he comes back to bed, he says that he feels so much worse and acky and horrible. So I do what any good wife would do and call the doctor's office to leave a message for the physician's assistant that he saw yesterday to tell her what was going on and see what she recommended. Well, she recommended that he go into Urgent Care to be seen as it seems to be getting worse. Well, hubby doesn't want to go. He decides to drink a big huge glass of iced coffee and lay down. I tell him he has to drink two other huge glass of water or Kool Aid by the time I get back from taking my parents to lunch or I was taking him in anyways. Then I kissed him and left.
I met my parents at Big Train, a favorite diner of their's. I was following up on our Christmas gift to them of cooking and delivering them a dinner a month. But. come to find out, they thought it was a dinner a week! I must have written weekly in the letter instead of monthly when I was making it out. But I got a long list of things they like, dislike, can't have, diet restrictions and tastes. Should be simple enough. I'll just make extra when I am cooking most things and have a dish set aside for them. Dad is a diabetic like me, but his is more uncontrolled. They really restrict the carbs, so don't do much starches at all, or very little. And mom said when they do have rice, she will make brown rice and then make white rice, and mix them after cooking, since they have different cooking times. When it comes to potatoes, they do sweet potatoes instead of regular potatoes. Minor things that I, as a fellow diabetic, should be doing also. Being like this, they don't do a lot of pasta, and when they do, they gave me the name of the low carb pasta they try to find.
When I got home, hubby said he drank two glasses of water. I didn't believe him but didn't press him to go back into the doctor's. He had another big glass of iced coffee on the nightstand. I didn't say anything then.
I spent the day with him, upstairs sitting on the bed, rewatching the season of Fear of the Walking Dead. I did talk to him one more time about how important it was for him to be drinking non-caffeinated fluids, a big glass once every hour to hour and a half. Told him that was the last I was going to say about it. He complained about how bad he was feeling. It is really hard for me to have sympathy for him when he isn't doing the things he needs to do to make himself feel better. But I stayed with him for the rest of the day.
He was feeling better enough to get up and cook hamburgers for dinner. He likes the way he cooks them so wanted to do them himself. We went to bed about 11pm since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning at 715am, meaning we had to get up at 615 to leave by 640am to get there.
Comes this morning, he gets up early and takes his pills, including his antibiotic, without eating. Now this antibiotic is one that he has taken before and it always gives him an upset stomach if he doesn't eat with it. So of course, a little while later, he starts throwing up, a lot. And when he took his pills he only drank enough to take them, without drinking a full glass of fluids. So they sat on an empty stomach for an hour. So he throws up violently for awhile. When he comes back to bed, he says that he feels so much worse and acky and horrible. So I do what any good wife would do and call the doctor's office to leave a message for the physician's assistant that he saw yesterday to tell her what was going on and see what she recommended. Well, she recommended that he go into Urgent Care to be seen as it seems to be getting worse. Well, hubby doesn't want to go. He decides to drink a big huge glass of iced coffee and lay down. I tell him he has to drink two other huge glass of water or Kool Aid by the time I get back from taking my parents to lunch or I was taking him in anyways. Then I kissed him and left.
I met my parents at Big Train, a favorite diner of their's. I was following up on our Christmas gift to them of cooking and delivering them a dinner a month. But. come to find out, they thought it was a dinner a week! I must have written weekly in the letter instead of monthly when I was making it out. But I got a long list of things they like, dislike, can't have, diet restrictions and tastes. Should be simple enough. I'll just make extra when I am cooking most things and have a dish set aside for them. Dad is a diabetic like me, but his is more uncontrolled. They really restrict the carbs, so don't do much starches at all, or very little. And mom said when they do have rice, she will make brown rice and then make white rice, and mix them after cooking, since they have different cooking times. When it comes to potatoes, they do sweet potatoes instead of regular potatoes. Minor things that I, as a fellow diabetic, should be doing also. Being like this, they don't do a lot of pasta, and when they do, they gave me the name of the low carb pasta they try to find.
When I got home, hubby said he drank two glasses of water. I didn't believe him but didn't press him to go back into the doctor's. He had another big glass of iced coffee on the nightstand. I didn't say anything then.
I spent the day with him, upstairs sitting on the bed, rewatching the season of Fear of the Walking Dead. I did talk to him one more time about how important it was for him to be drinking non-caffeinated fluids, a big glass once every hour to hour and a half. Told him that was the last I was going to say about it. He complained about how bad he was feeling. It is really hard for me to have sympathy for him when he isn't doing the things he needs to do to make himself feel better. But I stayed with him for the rest of the day.
He was feeling better enough to get up and cook hamburgers for dinner. He likes the way he cooks them so wanted to do them himself. We went to bed about 11pm since I had a doctor's appointment in the morning at 715am, meaning we had to get up at 615 to leave by 640am to get there.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Today was a nursing day. Hubby told me last night that he has been having gut pain for the last two days and it was starting to actually hurt. More so when he peed but all the time now, so I told him I would call in to the doctor's in the morning at 8am and try to get him in to see someone. If we couldn't get him an appointment, I was going to take him to Urgent Care. It was one of two things, a bladder infection or the start of an attack of diverticulitis. So far he has had no problems pooping so my guess is it was a bladder infection.
So I woke up at 5 to 8am and tried calling but still got the night service message. I waited for 5 minutes and tried again. I got through. I had to hold for a long time to get a person on the line, but when I explained what was going on, they scheduled him to come in at 1115am. As I had therapy at 10am that went to 11am, he would have to go on his own. No problems since both the cars were running.
I went into therapy and talked to Steve. I told him everything that I talked about in my last post last Thursday, after seeing Dr Fouss. That I now realized how this is all my fault. I have been selfish and rude, as hubby has been pointing out many times, and that this mental stuff was all my own problem. I can't expect to get understanding or the support I wanted from other people. I was going to have to learn to cope with it on my own. Apparently hubby is tired or was just pretending to help me before but doesn't want to do it anymore. He will say things like "Do what ever you need to do to get better." but doesn't want me talking about what I need to do or how I need him to help me.
Since Thursday, I have only made one mistake when it came to talking about bedbugs, and that was to ask him to squish one that was up in the curve near the ceiling, where I couldn't reach it. He wasn't happy that I asked him to do that and I learned my lesson. I later, over the weekend, when he was in a good mood, I did ask him if he and Frank could take apart the bed and spray the bedbug spray on the frame, along the wall and on the mattress and box spring. Then put the bedbug encasement bags on the box springs and mattress over the plastic bags we had to keep repairing. And reassemble the bed.
I had asked hubby to tell Frank I needed him to clean the bathrooms and vacuum this weekend, and he did all that on Sunday while we were gone. He even did our room. Which made less work on Sunday night while they were doing the bed. Now I have to be the one to do all the rest of the work myself and vacuum every other day and keep up with the laundry. If I catch hubby in a good mood, I can ask for help in getting Frank to vacuum more after he gets home from work, but I can't mention bedbugs or that if we don't do this often, we will never get rid of them.
I met hubby after his doctor's appointment at Culver's and we had a nice lunch. Then he went to get his prescription filled, it did turn out to be a pretty bad bladder infection, and then he was going home to nap. I went to get a simple manicure to get rid of a bunch of hangnails, go to the store to pick up fruit and yogurt, then go to Papa Murphy's to pick up a $10 Tuesday Pizza. Any pizza, specialty or as many toppings as you want, any size up to large, for only $10. Family size $12. So I got the new Angus Steak Pizza, family size, for $12. Angus steak cut in thin slices, creamy garlic sauce, chopped green onions, instead of mushrooms I had them put on chopped tomatoes. Mozzarella cheese. Take and bake. YUM!
When I got home, I sat with hubby until he went to sleep then I sat with him until he woke up. I watched the first two episodes of Fear of the Walking Dead again. Then I cooked the pizza, Frank fed the animals, I made kool aid, and cleaned up. I sat with the rattie boys while they ran around and then I'm going back upstairs to sit with hubby again to make sure he doesn't get bored and wait on him if he needs anything. And make sure to kill the bedbugs before he sees them. Which he never does.
Tomorrow I have to take him to pick up the truck for work, the one he will be driving to Denver for Doctorate this week. Then I am meeting mom and dad at the diner to take them out for lunch as part of their Christmas present of feeding them once a month for the rest of the year. The rest of the time I will be making them a dinner and taking it over for them to heat up and eat. But we are going to talk about what they like, don't like, can't have, and such.
So I woke up at 5 to 8am and tried calling but still got the night service message. I waited for 5 minutes and tried again. I got through. I had to hold for a long time to get a person on the line, but when I explained what was going on, they scheduled him to come in at 1115am. As I had therapy at 10am that went to 11am, he would have to go on his own. No problems since both the cars were running.
I went into therapy and talked to Steve. I told him everything that I talked about in my last post last Thursday, after seeing Dr Fouss. That I now realized how this is all my fault. I have been selfish and rude, as hubby has been pointing out many times, and that this mental stuff was all my own problem. I can't expect to get understanding or the support I wanted from other people. I was going to have to learn to cope with it on my own. Apparently hubby is tired or was just pretending to help me before but doesn't want to do it anymore. He will say things like "Do what ever you need to do to get better." but doesn't want me talking about what I need to do or how I need him to help me.
Since Thursday, I have only made one mistake when it came to talking about bedbugs, and that was to ask him to squish one that was up in the curve near the ceiling, where I couldn't reach it. He wasn't happy that I asked him to do that and I learned my lesson. I later, over the weekend, when he was in a good mood, I did ask him if he and Frank could take apart the bed and spray the bedbug spray on the frame, along the wall and on the mattress and box spring. Then put the bedbug encasement bags on the box springs and mattress over the plastic bags we had to keep repairing. And reassemble the bed.
I had asked hubby to tell Frank I needed him to clean the bathrooms and vacuum this weekend, and he did all that on Sunday while we were gone. He even did our room. Which made less work on Sunday night while they were doing the bed. Now I have to be the one to do all the rest of the work myself and vacuum every other day and keep up with the laundry. If I catch hubby in a good mood, I can ask for help in getting Frank to vacuum more after he gets home from work, but I can't mention bedbugs or that if we don't do this often, we will never get rid of them.
I met hubby after his doctor's appointment at Culver's and we had a nice lunch. Then he went to get his prescription filled, it did turn out to be a pretty bad bladder infection, and then he was going home to nap. I went to get a simple manicure to get rid of a bunch of hangnails, go to the store to pick up fruit and yogurt, then go to Papa Murphy's to pick up a $10 Tuesday Pizza. Any pizza, specialty or as many toppings as you want, any size up to large, for only $10. Family size $12. So I got the new Angus Steak Pizza, family size, for $12. Angus steak cut in thin slices, creamy garlic sauce, chopped green onions, instead of mushrooms I had them put on chopped tomatoes. Mozzarella cheese. Take and bake. YUM!
When I got home, I sat with hubby until he went to sleep then I sat with him until he woke up. I watched the first two episodes of Fear of the Walking Dead again. Then I cooked the pizza, Frank fed the animals, I made kool aid, and cleaned up. I sat with the rattie boys while they ran around and then I'm going back upstairs to sit with hubby again to make sure he doesn't get bored and wait on him if he needs anything. And make sure to kill the bedbugs before he sees them. Which he never does.
Tomorrow I have to take him to pick up the truck for work, the one he will be driving to Denver for Doctorate this week. Then I am meeting mom and dad at the diner to take them out for lunch as part of their Christmas present of feeding them once a month for the rest of the year. The rest of the time I will be making them a dinner and taking it over for them to heat up and eat. But we are going to talk about what they like, don't like, can't have, and such.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Today was a revealing day. First, I have to tell you that going to a wireless mouse is much better because I don't have to watch and make sure the rattie boys don't accidentally bite through the cord. But, as I have found out, if you don't remember to turn off the mouse, you go through a lot of batteries! I went through the only two AA batteries I had and had to wait for hubby to bring more home. Sorry!
So today I had my long awaited appointment with Dr Fouss, my shrink in charge of my medication. I was going to tell him he either had to put me back up to the level of Safris I was on, 15mg, or find me a new medication. I am only sleeping 6 hours at the most. I'm moody, easily angered or irritated, and my depression was deeper. I'm not coping well with things, I'm hearing noise in my head. I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid that I will start to hear voices again. I'm afraid that I will start having blackouts again. I'm afraid I will be suicidal again. I'm afraid that I will go back to the way I was. It all started with hearing noise in my head.
So hubby went with me, to give his view of how I am doing. But when we got down there, all the cars were parked a little off from the parking meters. We found a space, but the car in front was a third of the way into our space and in front of our meter. So when we got out, I told him to pull up, so he would be closer to the meter. I haven't been real thrilled with him since Tuesday night, but I was, at least, talking to him. Not irritated today, yet. So hubby gets back in the car and pulls up close to the bumper of the front car. He parks and gets out. Then he raises his voice loud, he doesn't think he is yelling but he talks loud to start with, and says that he is going to get a ticket. I get immediately upset and yell at him "Why you yelling at me?" "It's your fault! I'm going to get a ticket! Hold this!" I said no and went into the building and upstairs to check in. We were running behind and I needed to get to my appointment. Once I checked in, I went back downstairs to find hubby as though he had been there before, I wasn't sure he remembered the floor.
I found him looking at the directory, which Dr Fouss is not on as he is in an executive suite. Hubby started in on why did I take off like that and so I got upset and yelled at him, "You yelled at me!" He gets mad again and starts walking out. I tell him I need him upstairs and he says too bad and leaves. I go upstairs.
Just as the doctor comes and gets me, he shows up. Still pissed off. But by now I'm really mad at him too. we go in the office and I talk to Dr Fouss. I tell him everything I am dealing with and that before the medication was lowered, that I was in a slight depression. But started to tell him about things that lead up to that, mainly the bedbugs, dealing with putting distance between Cassie and I, dealing with Cassie and my parents not wanting to come in the house because they know about the bedbugs. That when I talk about the bedbugs, I'm accused of being obsessive about them.
When I asked Dr Fouss to explain depression to hubby, Dr Fouss said this didn't give me a free pass to be mean to other people. At that point, I gave up hope in having someone understand everything that I was going though. I realized that no matter what my fears, nobody else understood. Hubby got mad when I was explaining to him after my therapy session with Steve Tuesday night. Cut me off when I was talking about that down deep, I was mad too. At him and Frank, for not taking initiative to do anything about the bedbugs, for telling me I was obsessive when talking about it, for Frank not doing laundry every other day and vacuuming every other day. For Frank sleeping in between two comforters instead of sheets like everybody else. And we have to provide all the bedding! Frank came to us with just his clothes. But hubby got mad at me, cut me off. I was trying to explain how I was feeling and the thoughts in my head and he wasn't listening.
I talked to him a little longer and he then went downstairs to his office to smoke pot and hang out a little. Earlier in the day, I had told him I was feeling vulnerable and when he came home, I understood he had to go to his office, but really, I needed him to come sit with me, touch me occasionally, spend time with me, and tell me everything was going to be ok. Eventually he came up and did that.
So I realized that I am alone. I cannot explain how I am feeling, how vulnerable I feel, how scared I am, and how reactionary I am, and have anybody understand. I realized I have to shut up about the bedbugs, I can't talk to anybody about them, I have to keep this to myself. If the bedbugs are going to fought and gotten rid of, it's completely up to me. Hubby told me that if I wanted him and Frank to help, I just had to tell them, every single time I wanted them to do something. The times I have talked individually to them and together to them and told them that we needed to be vacuuming every other day at the most, keep all the clothes bagged and sealed to keep them out of cracks and crevices, apparently isn't enough. Hubby is telling me I have to turn into a nice nag. I'm responsible for telling people what to do, I'm the one responsible for everything! But I have to find a way to ask them for help, without sounding obsessive and annoying them.
So after hubby dropped me off back home, I sat upstairs and cried for awhile. I feel completely and utterly alone in my mental anguish. And I realized that he's tired of it. I'm looking for someone who will understand when I get upset and yell, I'm scared, and I want them to reach out and say "Hey, what's the matter? It's going to be ok. I'm here with you." But that won't happen. I tried to explain this to him Tuesday night. But he didn't listen, he was too busy being mad at me.
So I realized the only person I can really talk to is my therapist. So I will stop bothering hubby with my thoughts, fears and irrational-ness. For now, I will try to shut off my feelings. Tonight I will go back up to my dosage of 15mg of Safris. It will take 4-7 days for the medication to be full strength in my system again. Hopefully I will start sleeping my 8-9 hours again. Hopefully that will help on my outlook on life.
Though I am not physically tired, I am mentally weary. I have given up. But apparently I am selfish and wrong. This is all my own fault. I have to be understanding of other people, not thinking about myself and how I feel. I'm to blame for hubby being tense all the time. I should be trying to make his life easier because he works hard. I can't address a problem once and expect help to deal with it, it's all my fault for thinking that I could. I have to not react when hubby raises his voice, whether he knows it or not, whether it's because of me or not. I have to remain even keeled so he can feel better and not get more upset. I'm to blame for thinking he was my everything and would be mentally supportive when I was having hard times. I am alone.
So today I had my long awaited appointment with Dr Fouss, my shrink in charge of my medication. I was going to tell him he either had to put me back up to the level of Safris I was on, 15mg, or find me a new medication. I am only sleeping 6 hours at the most. I'm moody, easily angered or irritated, and my depression was deeper. I'm not coping well with things, I'm hearing noise in my head. I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid that I will start to hear voices again. I'm afraid that I will start having blackouts again. I'm afraid I will be suicidal again. I'm afraid that I will go back to the way I was. It all started with hearing noise in my head.
So hubby went with me, to give his view of how I am doing. But when we got down there, all the cars were parked a little off from the parking meters. We found a space, but the car in front was a third of the way into our space and in front of our meter. So when we got out, I told him to pull up, so he would be closer to the meter. I haven't been real thrilled with him since Tuesday night, but I was, at least, talking to him. Not irritated today, yet. So hubby gets back in the car and pulls up close to the bumper of the front car. He parks and gets out. Then he raises his voice loud, he doesn't think he is yelling but he talks loud to start with, and says that he is going to get a ticket. I get immediately upset and yell at him "Why you yelling at me?" "It's your fault! I'm going to get a ticket! Hold this!" I said no and went into the building and upstairs to check in. We were running behind and I needed to get to my appointment. Once I checked in, I went back downstairs to find hubby as though he had been there before, I wasn't sure he remembered the floor.
I found him looking at the directory, which Dr Fouss is not on as he is in an executive suite. Hubby started in on why did I take off like that and so I got upset and yelled at him, "You yelled at me!" He gets mad again and starts walking out. I tell him I need him upstairs and he says too bad and leaves. I go upstairs.
Just as the doctor comes and gets me, he shows up. Still pissed off. But by now I'm really mad at him too. we go in the office and I talk to Dr Fouss. I tell him everything I am dealing with and that before the medication was lowered, that I was in a slight depression. But started to tell him about things that lead up to that, mainly the bedbugs, dealing with putting distance between Cassie and I, dealing with Cassie and my parents not wanting to come in the house because they know about the bedbugs. That when I talk about the bedbugs, I'm accused of being obsessive about them.
When I asked Dr Fouss to explain depression to hubby, Dr Fouss said this didn't give me a free pass to be mean to other people. At that point, I gave up hope in having someone understand everything that I was going though. I realized that no matter what my fears, nobody else understood. Hubby got mad when I was explaining to him after my therapy session with Steve Tuesday night. Cut me off when I was talking about that down deep, I was mad too. At him and Frank, for not taking initiative to do anything about the bedbugs, for telling me I was obsessive when talking about it, for Frank not doing laundry every other day and vacuuming every other day. For Frank sleeping in between two comforters instead of sheets like everybody else. And we have to provide all the bedding! Frank came to us with just his clothes. But hubby got mad at me, cut me off. I was trying to explain how I was feeling and the thoughts in my head and he wasn't listening.
I talked to him a little longer and he then went downstairs to his office to smoke pot and hang out a little. Earlier in the day, I had told him I was feeling vulnerable and when he came home, I understood he had to go to his office, but really, I needed him to come sit with me, touch me occasionally, spend time with me, and tell me everything was going to be ok. Eventually he came up and did that.
So I realized that I am alone. I cannot explain how I am feeling, how vulnerable I feel, how scared I am, and how reactionary I am, and have anybody understand. I realized I have to shut up about the bedbugs, I can't talk to anybody about them, I have to keep this to myself. If the bedbugs are going to fought and gotten rid of, it's completely up to me. Hubby told me that if I wanted him and Frank to help, I just had to tell them, every single time I wanted them to do something. The times I have talked individually to them and together to them and told them that we needed to be vacuuming every other day at the most, keep all the clothes bagged and sealed to keep them out of cracks and crevices, apparently isn't enough. Hubby is telling me I have to turn into a nice nag. I'm responsible for telling people what to do, I'm the one responsible for everything! But I have to find a way to ask them for help, without sounding obsessive and annoying them.
So after hubby dropped me off back home, I sat upstairs and cried for awhile. I feel completely and utterly alone in my mental anguish. And I realized that he's tired of it. I'm looking for someone who will understand when I get upset and yell, I'm scared, and I want them to reach out and say "Hey, what's the matter? It's going to be ok. I'm here with you." But that won't happen. I tried to explain this to him Tuesday night. But he didn't listen, he was too busy being mad at me.
So I realized the only person I can really talk to is my therapist. So I will stop bothering hubby with my thoughts, fears and irrational-ness. For now, I will try to shut off my feelings. Tonight I will go back up to my dosage of 15mg of Safris. It will take 4-7 days for the medication to be full strength in my system again. Hopefully I will start sleeping my 8-9 hours again. Hopefully that will help on my outlook on life.
Though I am not physically tired, I am mentally weary. I have given up. But apparently I am selfish and wrong. This is all my own fault. I have to be understanding of other people, not thinking about myself and how I feel. I'm to blame for hubby being tense all the time. I should be trying to make his life easier because he works hard. I can't address a problem once and expect help to deal with it, it's all my fault for thinking that I could. I have to not react when hubby raises his voice, whether he knows it or not, whether it's because of me or not. I have to remain even keeled so he can feel better and not get more upset. I'm to blame for thinking he was my everything and would be mentally supportive when I was having hard times. I am alone.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Today was a triumphant day! Hubby set up my new mouse, wireless this time, before he went off to work! A couple of weeks ago, I was typing on my laptop when I went to right click the bottom of the finger pad. And it got stuck! It was terrible! The computer started freaking out but finally hubby got it unstuck and found an old usb mouse he had for emergencies such as this. A thin cord plugged into the usb drive. So I was able to use the laptop again. Well, I carefully watched the rattie boys to see if they would pay attention to it and they didn't. Until the evening of the 29th. I was on the computer, getting ready to type in my journal entry, when Zeke, casually reached over with his mouth, and tasted the cord. As it's a very thin thing, his sharp teeth, which he is so gentle in tasting thing, went right through it. That was the end of me using the computer until we got a wireless mouse. Which we just did. So hubby set it up for me this morning. Yeah!
The war on bedbugs goes on. I woke up this morning when hubby called from work. He left the thumb drive at home for the printing he was doing for the Zoo Docents of the training manual, so would I please bring it over to him. And while I was doing that, could I please bring him leftover spaghetti and meatballs for his lunch. If I would do this,and he didn't need either until around noon, he would be so happy. So I told him sure, told him that I loved him and let him go. I looked around, his call had woken me up from a dead sleep, and saw three bedbugs in the corner, climbing up the wall. They were up high, close to the ceiling, so I couldn't get to them. Wonderful! But I watched. Eventually one of them did climb back down to where I could catch and squish him. The other two fell and I never found them.
We continue to change the bedding and repair the bag sealing the mattress and box spring every two days. Every one day if we get bit while sleeping. We inspect the sheet, lifting them up from being tucked in all around and check for bedbugs. Sometimes we have found and squished them. I now do it with my fingers, just squish them against whatever I find them on, not picking them up or anything, but hubby likes to use a tissue. That way it doesn't leave a blood smear on whatever it was on. Sometimes the blood stains.
We haven't been as good about vacuuming as we should be, but once a week the whole house gets vacuumed thoroughly. I need to be vacuuming every day in the bedrooms. That combats them the best. When we got paid this pay day, we found a Bedbug Encasement Bundle on the internet from American Wellness that contains the mattress bag, box spring bag, and two pillow cases for around $65. They all have seal-able zippers that the bedbugs can't get through. No more splits in the bags! We also found the interceptors, the things you put on the feet of the bed that traps the bedbugs that try to crawl up the legs into bed with you. They get caught in a trap, then you squish them every day, which will help cut down on them too!
We have to wait until we can find and pay for a hotel to take the rattie boys, the cockatiels and the two indoor cats before we can do the foggers and spray. I know, I have read that most pesticides won't touch bedbugs, only intense heat of 120 degrees for 20 minutes or longer. But I found these foggers by Raid that are marketed specifically for bedbugs and I'm willing to try it. The heat treatment is $3000 on up for our size and tri level house. And we are doing everything to combat it, keeping clothes and bedding washed in hot water and dried in the dryer on high heat for 60 minutes each load. Our utility bill was over $250 for this month! Everything is bagged and double twistie tied. The cats have shredded the bags in the closet on the floor, that we didn't have room in the dressers for. Even with the closet doors shut, since they are slider doors, two of our cats found they can push on the center and the door in the back will slide back and they can get in. Heavy sigh.
Today I signed up for the Silver Sneakers membership at the YMCA. I got my Medicare Advantage started, effective 1/1/2016. With it came the Silver Sneakers program. I get a free gym membership as the Medicare Advantage plans emphasize preventative medicine and want us to work out, get healthy and stay healthy. And I found out from some ladies in Red Hats, that the Y had programs and classes specifically for seniors that haven't been real active and needed to start. There are water classes and other classes just for SS members. I am really looking forward to them.
So I went over to the Y and showed them my Silver Sneakers card and signed up! the membership lets me use any of the Ys in Colorado Springs, the indoor community centers that have pools and during the summer, the community outdoor pools too! I can bring in as many guests that I want, two at a time, for 3 times per person before I have to pay a $10 fee for day visit for adults, $5 fee for day visit for children. I think it would be fun to take my nieces and nephews to the Cottonwood creek center to play in their pool. They have a big slide, a wave pool, an inner tube course and it's lots of fun! But first, hubby has wanted to go swimming all year. Now we can!
While I was gone, Frank did all the extra bedding that was sitting downstairs waiting to be washed and dried! I was so happy when I got home! I got to relax and just watch tv, feed the beasties, clean the litter boxes, play with Tommy and clean up the kitchen.
Even though hubby went in early, he just called and it's after 10pm. He is done with work he has to do but is finishing the Zoo print job, so will be another couple of hours. So I'm going to go strip the bed, squish bedbugs and put on clean bedding. Tomorrow we are going to take down the tree and assemble the new cat tower that I ordered before Christmas that came a couple of days ago. I found a deal on Groupons, an online site that has special marked down or deeply discounted deals for goods and services to promote companies. I got a $150 cat tower for about $65, delivered. Assembly required.
The war on bedbugs goes on. I woke up this morning when hubby called from work. He left the thumb drive at home for the printing he was doing for the Zoo Docents of the training manual, so would I please bring it over to him. And while I was doing that, could I please bring him leftover spaghetti and meatballs for his lunch. If I would do this,and he didn't need either until around noon, he would be so happy. So I told him sure, told him that I loved him and let him go. I looked around, his call had woken me up from a dead sleep, and saw three bedbugs in the corner, climbing up the wall. They were up high, close to the ceiling, so I couldn't get to them. Wonderful! But I watched. Eventually one of them did climb back down to where I could catch and squish him. The other two fell and I never found them.
We continue to change the bedding and repair the bag sealing the mattress and box spring every two days. Every one day if we get bit while sleeping. We inspect the sheet, lifting them up from being tucked in all around and check for bedbugs. Sometimes we have found and squished them. I now do it with my fingers, just squish them against whatever I find them on, not picking them up or anything, but hubby likes to use a tissue. That way it doesn't leave a blood smear on whatever it was on. Sometimes the blood stains.
We haven't been as good about vacuuming as we should be, but once a week the whole house gets vacuumed thoroughly. I need to be vacuuming every day in the bedrooms. That combats them the best. When we got paid this pay day, we found a Bedbug Encasement Bundle on the internet from American Wellness that contains the mattress bag, box spring bag, and two pillow cases for around $65. They all have seal-able zippers that the bedbugs can't get through. No more splits in the bags! We also found the interceptors, the things you put on the feet of the bed that traps the bedbugs that try to crawl up the legs into bed with you. They get caught in a trap, then you squish them every day, which will help cut down on them too!
We have to wait until we can find and pay for a hotel to take the rattie boys, the cockatiels and the two indoor cats before we can do the foggers and spray. I know, I have read that most pesticides won't touch bedbugs, only intense heat of 120 degrees for 20 minutes or longer. But I found these foggers by Raid that are marketed specifically for bedbugs and I'm willing to try it. The heat treatment is $3000 on up for our size and tri level house. And we are doing everything to combat it, keeping clothes and bedding washed in hot water and dried in the dryer on high heat for 60 minutes each load. Our utility bill was over $250 for this month! Everything is bagged and double twistie tied. The cats have shredded the bags in the closet on the floor, that we didn't have room in the dressers for. Even with the closet doors shut, since they are slider doors, two of our cats found they can push on the center and the door in the back will slide back and they can get in. Heavy sigh.
Today I signed up for the Silver Sneakers membership at the YMCA. I got my Medicare Advantage started, effective 1/1/2016. With it came the Silver Sneakers program. I get a free gym membership as the Medicare Advantage plans emphasize preventative medicine and want us to work out, get healthy and stay healthy. And I found out from some ladies in Red Hats, that the Y had programs and classes specifically for seniors that haven't been real active and needed to start. There are water classes and other classes just for SS members. I am really looking forward to them.
So I went over to the Y and showed them my Silver Sneakers card and signed up! the membership lets me use any of the Ys in Colorado Springs, the indoor community centers that have pools and during the summer, the community outdoor pools too! I can bring in as many guests that I want, two at a time, for 3 times per person before I have to pay a $10 fee for day visit for adults, $5 fee for day visit for children. I think it would be fun to take my nieces and nephews to the Cottonwood creek center to play in their pool. They have a big slide, a wave pool, an inner tube course and it's lots of fun! But first, hubby has wanted to go swimming all year. Now we can!
While I was gone, Frank did all the extra bedding that was sitting downstairs waiting to be washed and dried! I was so happy when I got home! I got to relax and just watch tv, feed the beasties, clean the litter boxes, play with Tommy and clean up the kitchen.
Even though hubby went in early, he just called and it's after 10pm. He is done with work he has to do but is finishing the Zoo print job, so will be another couple of hours. So I'm going to go strip the bed, squish bedbugs and put on clean bedding. Tomorrow we are going to take down the tree and assemble the new cat tower that I ordered before Christmas that came a couple of days ago. I found a deal on Groupons, an online site that has special marked down or deeply discounted deals for goods and services to promote companies. I got a $150 cat tower for about $65, delivered. Assembly required.
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