Today was a coordinating day. Hubby woke me up with a start after he got out of the shower and told me we had 15 minutes to get ready and leave to take him into work if he was going to get in on time. I was in the midst of a really detailed dream about being out in this rocky area camping with other people. It was a contest to see who could collect the most gold jewelry, like 24 karat gold. And we were meeting in secret because if anyone outside of the contest knew that we were doing this, they would rob us. So this one young couple had a handful of gold jewelry and we weighed it and figured out it was worth $10,000. They won! Then some bandits started coming towards us, our lookout on the mountain top told us. I put their jewelry in a small glass vase that was opaque and hid it in the dirt under a shed that was on legs. Then I went to the campground where the fire pit was. The bandits came and tortured us but I told them I didn't know what they were talking about. So they left. I went back to get the glass vase the gold was hidden in but the shed had been torn down and the area was built up with commerce. But when I asked someone where the shed had gone, she told me it had been torn down but all the stuff in it and around it and under it were in a pile and I was free to look through it. And I found the glass vase with the gold in it. It was an unassuming little thing and it had been sealed up so nobody knew the gold was in it. And that is where I woke up suddenly.
The dream has stuck with me all day and I am trying to figure out what it means.
I got dressed and dropped hubby off at work, he was only a few minutes late as we had to go get air in our car tire. We have a tire with a slow leak in it and we are having to put air in it every day until we can afford to replace it and it's matching tire. We are hoping to be able to do so in the beginning of July as that paycheck should be a big one.
I went to therapy and caught all the green lights getting there so I had 25 minutes to wait. So I set the alarm on my phone, closed my eyes and leaned the seat back. Now I wasn't sleeping, I had the radio on low, but I was kind of meditating, letting my mind relax, settling. I was tired and wouldn't have minded drifting off but I just laid there until it was time to go in.
Talking to Steve today, I found out he still hadn't gotten my insurance company to pay him yet and he hadn't gotten the bug worked out for the error he has been getting all this time. I hope he gets it worked out as he owes me a really big refund since I have since met my deductible with my company. We also talked about that my thoughts of suicide are still there and that when I have those thought, I try to figure out why. And the only thing I can figure is that I am at a loss on what my role is now. My child doesn't need me as a mom anymore. She is married and has a life a couple of hours away from me, has her new best friend, her mother-in-law, and all her friends up there. I haven't seen her since the wedding and though we still talk, mostly, twice a week, the conversations are shorter as she is also calling other people or if I say something she doesn't like, then she will cut the conversation shorter.
Steve told me that I was still Cassie's mom. The relationship hubby and I have with the twins isn't like the relationship with Cassie and Cassie will always need me as her mom. My relationship is changing, for a healthy change, from one as a mother/daughter to adult/adult. And I need to get life beyond being revolved around Cassie. I told him I was trying but I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I was getting to the point where the other day I asked hubby if he would consider moving to Australia, to which he said the country probably doesn't want us as we don't have any skills they need. Steve said that was a start. In all reality, hubby and I have lived all around the United States in several states and traveled in others and both chose to live here. We can afford it, the weather is tolerable and we like our house. Besides, with 3 dogs, 6 cats, 2 rats, 2 cockiteils and fish, nobody else will take us!
After therapy, I have a noon appointment with my doctor, Dr Heather Sena. She is a nice lady, a fairly new doctor for us. We talked about my diabetes and how I have lost about 10 pounds, I'm down to 184 without my clothes on. I forgot to talk to her about how a couple of my toes go numb when I go walking so I will have to mention it another time. My dad has a handicap parking pass as his whole feet go numb. So I will definitely have to mention it in September.
I sat and read in the parking lot after that since I got in and out so quickly and I knew hubby wasn't ready to go to lunch yet. But then I called him, started the car and took a new way to get to the freeway faster. You know it is called a freeway, a highway, or the interstate, depending on what part of the country you live in.
Hubby went on lunch and took me home. We heated up Holly's brauts and hot dog and ate lunch. Then he had to go back to work. I took my book and went outside and sat in the swing, reading. When I finished my book, I came inside and got on the computer. The rattie boys was sleeping, as they do until the evening. Hubby came home, we ate a light dinner of leftovers and now we are heading upstairs to watch a movie before going to sleep.
Tomorrow I have Rose coming over in the morning to help me walk the dogs, then hubby is going to drop me off at the Zoo before he goes in and I will hang out before my shift from 1 to 4. then he will take lunch and come pick me up and take me home. Time to hold the joey!
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