Well, today was a bust. In thinking about packing up my computer and books and moving the stuff downstairs, out of the bedroom, the anxiety was too much and I spent the whole day in my jammies in bed. Not a positive start to moving downstairs but, never fear, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it. Today was just getting used to the idea. Thought about trying to get dressed and even that was too much for me. But tomorrow, I have a plan.
I am going to get up with my husband and get dressed right away. Then I will make the bed. Then, before my husband leaves for work, I will have him help me take my computer downstairs. It's a laptop so I just have to unplug the charger and move it downstairs. Then I need to move my crochet downstairs. I started working on making a bulldog from a pattern I got from Etsy.com. My parents raise and show English Bulldogs and I thought making them one would be a good Christmas present. They have 3 bulldogs but I didn't start early enough to make more than one. I am making it in white and going to give them some brown and black paint to put their own markings on it. I will make them the other two as I can.
My thoughts were out of control today. Anxiety and feeling of being over-whelmed. I did some deep breathing and followed through with the thought. What would be the worst thing that would happen when I stop hanging out in my bedroom? I might have to clean up parts of the house. That's not so bad now, is it? The dogs won't be able to settle on the couch around me like they do on my bed but that's ok. They will still lie on the couch, behind the couch, and under the recliner. (My couch has a recliner at each end.) So they will still be with me. I will be dressed so will be able to go outside with the dogs and play with them or actually take them out for a walk. I have to walk the two small dogs first, Kira and Cookie. Then I have to take Baby out, our Rhodesian Ridgehound mix. All of us are overweight and could use the exercise. I have been eating better in the morning, a small bowl of cheerios with 2% milk and a teaspoon of sugar. Big improvement over my Cap't Crunch!
Actually thinking about my fear of moving downstairs is making me feel kind of silly for it being a big deal. I mean, it is more normal to get up and get dressed everyday, not agonize over a simple thing like that. But I hate the size I am and how the new pants are still too big (their 16/18 and I have to keep pulling them up) and I am all puffy. I feel fat and ugly. But my husband says I am beautiful, he says my insides show through my outside. He love me and my curves. I need to learn to love myself.
I think the lesson for the day is to do one step at a time. Tomorrow, my husband will help me get up, get dressed and move myself and my computer downstairs. He will show me how to work the tv and hook up the computer so I can watch my Project Runway. This is the goal I have for tomorrow. Any other plans I might do tomorrow, I will figure out then, but if I try to plan anything else tonight, I am setting myself up for another failure. Little steps and then maybe, someday, I can be the person my dog thinks I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment