Today was an interesting day. I started out my morning by delaying getting out of bed until the last possible second in order to make my therapy session at 10am. Since it is only 5 minutes away by car, 10 if we hit all red lights, I didn't get out of bed until 930am. I realized that doing morning pages on therapy mornings is too difficult so I don't. I could wake up an hour early and do them, and sometimes I do, but on most Tuesdays, I have to get up with my husband and drive him to work, then drive myself back to go to therapy, which is one mile in the opposite direction of his work from our house. I suppose I could do them after therapy but by then, any dream I may have had is usually lost and I have been inundated with outside stimulus. So I don't usually do them on Tuesdays.
Today in therapy we started off with a dream I had the other night. The one where I was living in a commune and went to the department store to buy breast cups so I could make my own bra. The sales staffer, a young man, started talking to another man and making fun of my breast because I asked him for size DD, called a double D. He started talking about how long and saggy my breasts were and how awful for anyone who had to see me naked. He made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I got my breast cups and left. When I went home back to commune, I found out he had given me the wrong size, a size B, so I would have to go back. I told all my friends about what happened and they made up a petition and everyone signed it, to get the man fired. One guy came with me, carrying the petition, and he was there to protect me. There was more to the dream, more about an adult tricycle falling off a bridge that had no rails, into a fast moving river that wasn't that deep except for right there, there was a deep hole and my tricycle was lost.
I asked Steve what he thought the dream meant. I told him that when I was writing about the dream in my morning pages, I realized that I was writing about me. My alters, my personalities. The man who accompanied me to the department store was my protector, my personality that would come out when I was afraid. He would take care of me and not be afraid. He would take over. Steve thought that the alters didn't like it when this other person was making fun of me. How did I feel about my body? I told him that I didn't like it. There are rolls and lumps and things that are uncomfortable. He says it sounds like your others, your alters, really don't like even you making fun of your body. They took up a petition to tell you that you are just fine. You are more than your body and you need to learn to love yourself. Only when we love ourselves for who we are, can we find true acceptance. Once we can accept ourselves, can we then recognize what we want to change and do it with love. My alters want that love. He was at a loss on what the tricycle and the bridge and the river meant. So was I.
When I got home, I played with the dogs, ate some lunch and worked on the craft table a little. I got one box packed, a lot of stuff in bags got put away, and some trash got thrown away. It's not done but I got a good start. Tomorrow I am going to finish. Tomorrow I will be vacuuming and working on cleaning bathrooms. Ok, maybe I will let my husband clean the bathrooms. But we will be cleaning for company, my parents are coming over on Thanksgiving. We will be playing a little pinball and eating lots of food. If I can get the backyard cleaned up, maybe we can play a round of croquet. Our yard has natural hazards, the dog digs holes. But that is only if I can get the rest of the stuff done tomorrow. I am kind of having some anxiety thinking about it but I know that I did vacuum last week, that I can do it again. I will just take an anxiety pill when I take my morning pills. I have been hyper-vigilant about picking up every little spec of stuff that gets on the carpet to keep it clean. All I have to do is vacuum up dog hair. I can do that. The bathroom is a different story but I am going to try to clean it. I know I can do it but I have to stop thinking about it as I am starting to have an anxiety attack. Baseball, gramma, puppies and kitties. Ok, deep breathing.
No comments:
Post a Comment