Yesterday I was finishing up removing and storing a bunch of clutter and I overcame my household cleaning phobia and was able to commit creative housekeeping by vacuum. I vacuumed the entire house, from top to bottom! I was so proud of myself. I did have to take an anxiety pill as I have this fear that the carpet cleaning guy would come in, take one look at my house and start berating me and saying things like "This is the filthiest house I have ever seen!" or "Are you kidding? You can't do anything right!" or something like that. Of course, to my relief, none of this came true. The carpet cleaning guy called and came over early, did the carpets and then I paid him and he left. The carpets took all night to dry but they looked good. There was a couple of spots still dirty so today, I actually called and talked to the scheduler and they are going to come back tomorrow and redo those spots! I wouldn't say I conquered my fears but I did face them, and was able to act in spite of them. I am so proud of myself! I am getting back to living.
Today was an active day. I moved furniture back and rearranged it in a pleasing way in my craft room, I did morning pages, not the whole 3 pages but enough to track my dream. I got dressed and left the house to meet with my psychiatrist. We discussed the strides I have been making to get back to living a full life and not just hiding. We discussed the current levels of my medications and the new medication I started several months ago, how it has helped improve my life. I am functioning, my voices inside my head, the incessant battering, is now silent. I can think and hear my own thoughts without overwhelming streams of consciousness. We talked about how I been working with my therapist, Steve, and working on doing one thing, like just vacuuming, without having it lead to a million other things so I get so overwhelmed that all I can do is stay in bed, in my pjs, watching tv in my bedroom. I am afraid, but I am trying, and succeeding. Little things, but little things I haven't been able to do in decades. There is a big smile on my face right now!
And that is not the end of it. I spent 25 minutes walking on the treadmill and my husband and I were able to go through our options for our health insurance through his work and make some decisions. And I was able to do it without breaking down in tears or taking an anxiety pill. Today has been a success. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I have plans to wash the windows inside the house. I wonder what else I will do.
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