What a day! We were expecting the weather only to be in the single digits and it was so cold, it seemed like the furnace never stopped running. Our house is very efficient and the windows are good vinyl ones that don't have any leaks but there was a chill that just wouldn't go away. I spent the day huddling under the covers in the bedroom, trying to keep from turning the thermostat up to 80! The dogs and I, with a few of the cats, cuddled closely and talked about how it was bitter out there. We spent the day watching the birds and squirrels out the window in our big tree, frolicking on the high limbs. We watched murder of crows settle in from the wind.
My plans to get up and do some housework went south with the chill. The house was chilled and I was weak, opting to stay tucked in and warm.
I did do some more work with The Artist's Way. I was working on my blurts. Blurts are the negative talk in your head that tells you that you can't do something or that you won't be any good. And the work I was doing yesterday and today, I came up with several that torment me. I will never be organized. I will never not be messy. I will sabotage myself when things are going well. I can't be successful because when I am doing well, I will become afraid, then I will not come out of the bedroom and I will lose my momentum. I will never be able to do housework the right way. The house will never be clean.
I started to turn the blurts into positive affirmations. I, TK, am getting organized and now have the space to create. I, TK, am a person that will put things back in their place. I, TK, will take things one day at a time. Success will not scare me. I can recognize opportunities and, if the time is right, take advantage of them. It is ok for me to get rid of things. Not all things are worthy of staying in my possession. More is not better. It is ok to let go of things. My home will not be less homey, I will not be less rich, with fewer possessions.
Mentally, I did a lot of work. It is hard to take negative things that have been in your head for so long and trying to come up with the positive side of it. It took me an hour to come up with some of the negative things that come to me when I am trying to be creative. You live with them for so long that you don't hear them anymore, they are just there and you automatically cringe when you try to do something creative, like me doing creative housework. I automatically know it will not be good enough. Good enough for who? Not good enough for my mom, my husband, my daughter. Who lives with me? My husband. Have I ever done housework in the 11 years we have been married? No. Why, because I know it will not be good enough for him. How do I know that? Because I did not do it good enough for my mom. Is that really true? No, when I do little things around the house like empty the dishwasher or do laundry, he is very happy and says thank you. So is it really true? No, it is not.
I went through a lot of arguments like this on paper to persuade myself that I can do creative housework, I can write if I want to, I can tell stories. What I do is good enough. Good enough for who? Good enough for me. And that is what matters. If other people share my opinion of what I do, all the better but my opinion is what counts for me. I AM good enough for me.
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