Today started off so much better than yesterday! When I went to sleep last night, I told myself to wake up at 830am. I set the clock for 9am. I woke up on my own at 830, and then tried to talk myself into sleeping until 9, but no deal. So I got up and did my morning pages.
I wrote about a dream that I had, still very vivid to me even at this time in the evening. I was a teenager and I was hanging out with 3 other individuals. We were an angry group and planned to bomb something. I got the idea that I had to get my parent's 4 bulldogs and attach them to the bomb. (Now my parents only really have 3 bulldogs and I would never, ever do anything to harm any animal. This is a dream, remember!) Then I went back into my parents' house and went into the guest room where I was staying, and I climbed up on the bed, then peed on it. And that is where I woke up.
Now to say the least, I was befuddled about me wanting to bomb something and why would I want to blow up my parents' bulldogs? I love those dogs and have a good time seeing them whenever I go to my parents' house. Why am I so mad at my parents? What did they do that would make me want to hurt them? The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. And I started to think about what I did before I went to sleep and what tv I watched. I started to think about the work I did for The Artist Way. The positive affirmations I did from the negative blurts. And I realized that who I was really mad at must be myself. My negative side is trying to get back at me for trying to neutralize it. I am the adult, the parent, so to say, that it wants to blow up possessions of, the dogs. My subconscious is trying to work out the negative giving way to the positive. My teenager self was getting even with my adult self (my parents) by destroying something precious (the bulldogs). The final act of rebellion (peeing on the bed) is like being flipped off by my mind. Nanni nanni boo boo!
I worked some more with The Artist's Way, the exercises for Chapter One. I had to list 3 Enemies of my Creative. People who have squelched my progress when I wanted to be creative. How I perceived they did this. Something they may have said or something they may have done that caused me to have negative self talk whenever I try to do something, like creative housekeeping. This was hard. You have to "time travel" in your mind back to hurtful memories and sometimes have to force yourself to remember. Tears were shed and cleansing was done. I suspect that this will not be the end of the negative talk but a light on how it got started. Writing this all out gives me an overview, a look from a distance that i didn't have before.
I can't wait to see what kind of dreams I have tonight!
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