Today was a discovery day. Hubby had to work a 12 hour day today and I had therapy with Steve, so that meant I had to get up and drive him into work. But he set the alarm for 750am and told me I could sleep until 15 minutes before we had to leave since I was not taking a shower and just getting dressed. So I did. I slumbered and then I woke up when he asked me for my phone. He called in work and found out there was a lot of construction on the road and it was closed. So he told them he would be about half an hour late and let me lie there a little longer.
When we got out of the house, we decided to take the Filmore road since we could stop at Kum & Go for drinks and breakfast. I usually get a extra large unsweetened tea but this time I got an extra large Cherry Pepsi. Yum! And I got an omelette sandwich, which they make fresh every morning right there. Then we took a back way into hubby's school and dropped him off. I took the back way a little differently and headed over to therapy.
I met with Steve and I talked to him about sometimes missing the highs I used to get, the giddy joyness I used to feel, when I was unmedicated. The sexual liberation and intense desire I would feel and orgasms I would have. But being medicated, my moods are stable and I don't have those high highs and low lows. And I don't have orgasms anymore. That's one thing they really don't tell you about psych meds, not only can they take away your desire for sex, they take away your ability to acheive orgasms, at least for me. I can still have sex but most of the time when I think about it, it's more about the mess and stuff then about the intimacy of the act and wanting to do it. Can be a real downer for hubby. I try to be aware of this and initiate the act with him on a regular basis whether I am really into it or not, because it is a vital part of a marriage. Hubby knows how I feel and is respectful if I am really not in the mood.
But that was only a little bit about what I talked about. I told him I had passion and really feeling back then. And I wanted to be passionate about something like sewing. Then I started talking about the new/old Project Runways I was watching on YouTube. I have rewatched all 13 seasons of Project Runway here in the USA, I have watched all 3 seasons of Project Runway Canada and they are really mean to their designers! I watched the 3 seasons of Project Catwalk in the UK and now I am watching Project Runway Australia. There are 4 seasons of this, I do believe.
Steve commented that when I am talking about sewing and this show, I do have passion and spark. And we started talking about why I haven't been about to start sewing again. I told him I would have to relearn how to do it all again. I did buy a beginner's manual to reteach myself how to sew. I have my machine sitting out and boxes of material. In my mind, everything has to be perfect for me to start. And I have to be perfect, do it perfectly from the beginning. Make complicated designs and adapt patterns and do all this stuff. Why, he asked. And I told him because my mom does it all so perfectly and right and if I can't do it that way too, then why bothering to try at all? And then we talked about the mom in my head, and how that mom says negative things and I have to acknowledge it isn't really my mom and then try anyway. It's the process of doing that is worth it. It is great to be great at it, but enjoying it is important. Working through and relearning it my way. My real mom, not my head mom, is pretty intense in everything she does. My parents are in their early 70s and they still set the alarm clock to get up early, are too busy with self set schedules of work on the house, in their dog club, projects they have to do, to relax and enjoy being retired. And here I am, on disability, having to relax and take things easy, left to my own devises do a lot of whatever I want. And I compare myself to my parents and think that if I don't do things their way, why should I even attempt to do it mine?
But Steve and I talked and he gave me several things to think about. The process, that my parents way of doing things may be great for them but isn't great for me so I shouldn't attempt to be like them. I should figure out what is the best way for me. And at the end of the session, I promised that I would plug in my sewing machine and make the needle go up and down at least once this week. So there!
It was an intense enough session that when I was done, I walked back out to my car and sat there for an hour and read to decompress. Sewing is scary for me and I haven't been about to use my machine since I bought it. So this will be a big step.
Then I called hubby and asked when he wanted to exchange the car and he told me to come on over. So I stopped at Arby's and got french dips for us, 2 for him and one for me and one of their new sliders. I picked him up and we drove home. He ate one of his sandwiches and I ate the slider, just the right size for me and then I set aside my french dip for Frank for dinner. I would eat some cheese and crackers later for dinner. Hubby went back to work and I went upstairs to watch Project Runway Australia some more for the rest of the evening until it was time to feed the animals.
Tomorrow I'm going to sort through the boxes of stuff hubby removed from my nightstand a couple of days ago and pitch a lot of it. And put away the rest.
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