Today was a crying day. I've been avoiding writing because of the conflicting and hurting emotions that have been going on inside me because of what I have observed with my daughter over the past week. And longer, most of her life. A couple of days ago, it all came to a head for me and I just wanted to scream, cry, tear my hair out, throw myself on the bonfire.
Cassie is living in her in-laws' house with her husband. It started when she was living up in Longmont, Colorado and moved into their house before her then boyfriend was due to move back to the state. He was in the Army and stationed overseas. He was due to get out and come back home to live and go to school. Well, he and Cass decided to get married and live together when he got back, so she moved into his parents' townhouse. She and Becky, his mom, got really close. They hung out, do things together, eat together and more. When Drew came back, it was a good time all around. He started in school, worked a little and Cassie started working two jobs.
I'm not saying that everything was super okey dokey, Cassie had her moments of adjusting with Drew and fitting in, but always seemed really happy with Becky and Jerry, the parents. The kids got married, Becky and Jerry got remarried and then Jerry got a wonderful opportunity to move over to Italy and work that part of the world for his company as a VP. Congratulations! Everybody was excited. The kids and one of their daughters decided to stay in the house and take care of it for the next 3-5 years, pay rent, and save up for places of their own when the parents come back. Good job. But Becky went there but came back because you need citizenship to stay for that long in Italy and Becky is waiting for it to come through.
So the week before last, Becky decides to take a trip to Newport Beach, California. Now according to Cassie, Cassie didn't know she was going until the day before they left, last Sunday. Here's where I start to realize what is going on, or actually, finally get a clue. I call Cassie on Sunday and find out she is heading out of state and left. She is with Becky and becky's best friend, heading to visit Becky's family, and I take it, where Becky grew up. Cassie is a surprise to meet the family that was unable to come out for the wedding. Cassie and I start to talk when they stop for food. We cut our conversation short. This was the first time I had talked to Cass since her birthday, September 21st, when we went up to take her out on the 22nd. We had exchanged a few text messages, rather, I had texted her and she would give me "Love ya" on a couple.
So I texted her a couple of times and I got a picture from her once, and a short text conversation with a video another time. I got on Facebook and see what pictures she had posted of her trip. There are lots. I page through them, like most of them, comment on a few. But there are things like "Let me tell you about my best friend..." with a picture of Becky. Lots of posts about Cassie and her "Momma". And I see green.
Now I recognize this is my problem. I see my daughter having a close, personal relationship on a daily basis with her mother-in-law. It's the type of relationship I have always wanted to have with her and I'm jealous. I'm hurt. Because I can't even have a simple phone conversation with her without her cutting me off and telling me she has other things she has to do. She's not sharing her day with me, she's not telling me what is going on in her life. She's not even texting me anything. I'm broken.
I cry. I want to move to New Zealand.
I have my therapy session with Steve today, and I tell him all about it. He asks if I could approach this with Cassie and I tell him no. If I was to try, I could only see this going down in one of two ways. Cassie would be furious and hang up on me. Cassie would feel guilty. And neither of those two things would accomplish anything. And let's face it, what I really want is for Cassie to want to be as close to me, talk to me every day, share with me, be happy with me. And I have tried for a long time to force this to happen. I text every day or every other day, only once, but I do. I call occasionally. I send her stuff in the mail, little gifts. We go up to visit every couple of months. If Cassie had wanted to have the same close relationship with me as she has with Becky, she would have done it by now. She would respond to my texts. She would call me. She would put up a post with my picture in it on Facebook and say what a great mommah, as she called me when she was little, I was. But she never has. I take that back, she did it once. It was really cool!
By the end of the session, and the end of the tissue box, I had come to the conclusion that I have been forcing my idea of what kind of relationship I want to have on her, and I have to stop. Obviously she doesn't feel the same way and I have to let her go, in my head and mind. I have to accept what she has been telling me and back off, stop pushing. She can't be the center of my world anymore. I have to change my view on what is the most important thing in the world to me.
I have to accept that she chose to move up to Longmont with her dad when she was 15. That when she did come back, we didn't get along. Granted, I was getting therapy and started on medication for my disorders and wasn't coping the best during all this time. But then she chose to move back up there to Longmont, the same town as her dad. When she was not making enough money to pay her rent, we paid it for her. When her roommate moved out, we paid their part of the rent until the end of the lease and told her she had to move back home. But instead, she moved in with her best friend in that dad's house. We stopped helping her financially because we were having money problems of our own. We bought her an iPad and paid the monthly fee and Netflix account so she would have something to do in her spare time. I've always tried to make things the best they can be on what little money we have had. And I've always tried to be there for her, even before she ever needed.
I never go anyplace without my cell phone. I keep it on me day and night, in case Cassie called and needs to talk or gets hurt. Before I had cell phones, I had call waiting and always let whoever Cassie was with know where I was.
But now I have to let my dream of having this type of relationship with Cassie die. I have to give up the hope I have had since she was born, and before. Today I am grieving this death. Hubby came home and took me out to dinner and we talked, rather, I talked and he listened. He asked some questions and shared with me the bitter disappointment he has about the distant relationship he has with his own daughters, the twins. He asked me how I could change my focus, give up my hope. I told him I just have to morn today, cry myself out today, but tomorrow I will take it day by day. And when I catch myself thinking that I will do things a certain way for Cassie, I will tell myself, she has her own life and now I have mine. If I'm going to do something for anybody, do it for hubby and me.
Tomorrow I will move on.
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