Today was a therapy day. Hubby decided last night that since he got 9 hours of overtime last week from having to go to Denver 3 times and work until close, the Overlords would be happier if he didn't have so much overtime this week, so he decided to go in after my therapy this morning, which meant we got to sleep in until 930am for me. My appointment is at 10am and Steve is only 5 minutes away so i had plenty of time to get up, get dressed and get out. In fact, since hubby was sleeping in until 10, I left at 940am. Which was good because my neighbor, Janice, the one who I watched the dogs for when they went to Florida, was out and so were her dogs. Normally her dogs stay in their front yard and don't come out but since I have watched them, we have a bond and now they get excited to see me and come running across the street. So I pet them and loved them and took them home. I visited with Janice for about 10 minutes, loving the dogs the whole time, and then left for therapy.
Her dogs remind me so much of our old dog, Zues. He was 14 when we had to put him down. Our daughter Cassie grew up with him and she carried his ashes around with her in a locket I made her. I remember that time, it was a couple of years ago. when we decided that it was finally time. Zues wasn't able to come upstairs one night and we put his dog bed at the bottom of the stairs. Hubby heard him whining in the middle of the night. He went downstairs and Zues had had an accident and peed the bed. He had to pick up this 130lb dog and clean him up and clean up the bed. Even when Zues was in pain and didn't want to do the stairs, he would still come upstairs in the middle of the night and sleep in our bedroom. He would need help to get downstairs in the morning. Wel, we would decide it would be time and make arrangements but then he would have some good days and we would put it off and cancel the arrangements. Well, that night we decided that we couldn't put it off any longer. We called our daughter and had her come down to say good bye. Overnight I cooked a large roast in the crockpot with beef broth. Then next morning, I turned off the crockpot and let it cool down. Then before Peaceful Partings got here, I fed all the dogs a big helping of roast. Then I put the two small dogs out and fed Zues as much as the roast as he wanted, until he stopped eating.
Peaceful Partings got here and Zues and the other two dogs got excited, they like visitors. We had Zues on his bed and we sat around him. They brought special treats to feed him and we did. The other dogs got some too. Then they put in an iv to administer the euthanasia drug. When we were ready, they gave him the drug. He started to nod off and fought against it for a moment, then he relaxed. Then he started breathing slowly and stopped. We held him and cried. Later we called Cassie and told her Zues passed away.
Therapy went well. We talked about that Steve still hasn't gotten paid and he hadn't gotten a call back from my insurance yet. I told him I have already met my deducible and that he is going to owe me a whole bunch of money back after he gets paid from my insurance, so he gave me a check for $100. I tried to not to take it but he said he knew we were tight and I should, so I did.
We also talked about that sometimes I still had suicide thoughts, that how I would do it, questions about what it would feel like and if I took a bunch of pills, would I start to get queasy and throw up. I hate to throw up. How sometimes I think about how it would be to die. I don't feel like I want to commit suicide but the thoughts still go through my head.
We talked about the new website I signed up for to get email from, I think it is 365 Declutter or something like that. They send an email to you once a week or once a day with a list of the day of a 15 minute decluttering project to do. The thought is you do a 15 minute decluttering project once a day and in 365 days, your house is organized and clean. Only this week they have you working with your prescription med and sorting through them and your first aid kit and I don't handle my med, except to get my morning pills and my afternoon pill from specific contains that hubby puts them in. That way it's taboo for me to handle large quantity of pills, that way I feel weird if I try to touch my stash of pills.
When I got home, hubby left to go to work. He was working in the Colorado Springs School for a couple of hours then heading to the Denver school for the rest of the day and evening. I stayed home and dressed for the day. Didn't do much, ate about 5, my leftover roast beef and mashed potatoes from Cracker Barrel, so was good for dinner. Hubby got done about 8pm in Denver and drove through a low altitude thunderstorm that slowed him down but still got back to the Springs around 9. He stopped at Kum and Go and picked up sodas and hot dogs for a little snack for us. When he got home, we ate, and rewatched the first episode of this past season of The Walking Dead.
I wonder why I still romanticize suicide. Why it still pops in my head, why I still wonder about it. Things are going well, I feel happy but aimless for the time being. I guess I need to explore it more with Steve. As long as I am checking in with him, I think I'm ok for the time being. I really need to sit and think of some goals for my nearby future and some long term goals.
No comments:
Post a Comment