Today was a revealing day. First, I have to tell you that going to a wireless mouse is much better because I don't have to watch and make sure the rattie boys don't accidentally bite through the cord. But, as I have found out, if you don't remember to turn off the mouse, you go through a lot of batteries! I went through the only two AA batteries I had and had to wait for hubby to bring more home. Sorry!
So today I had my long awaited appointment with Dr Fouss, my shrink in charge of my medication. I was going to tell him he either had to put me back up to the level of Safris I was on, 15mg, or find me a new medication. I am only sleeping 6 hours at the most. I'm moody, easily angered or irritated, and my depression was deeper. I'm not coping well with things, I'm hearing noise in my head. I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid that I will start to hear voices again. I'm afraid that I will start having blackouts again. I'm afraid I will be suicidal again. I'm afraid that I will go back to the way I was. It all started with hearing noise in my head.
So hubby went with me, to give his view of how I am doing. But when we got down there, all the cars were parked a little off from the parking meters. We found a space, but the car in front was a third of the way into our space and in front of our meter. So when we got out, I told him to pull up, so he would be closer to the meter. I haven't been real thrilled with him since Tuesday night, but I was, at least, talking to him. Not irritated today, yet. So hubby gets back in the car and pulls up close to the bumper of the front car. He parks and gets out. Then he raises his voice loud, he doesn't think he is yelling but he talks loud to start with, and says that he is going to get a ticket. I get immediately upset and yell at him "Why you yelling at me?" "It's your fault! I'm going to get a ticket! Hold this!" I said no and went into the building and upstairs to check in. We were running behind and I needed to get to my appointment. Once I checked in, I went back downstairs to find hubby as though he had been there before, I wasn't sure he remembered the floor.
I found him looking at the directory, which Dr Fouss is not on as he is in an executive suite. Hubby started in on why did I take off like that and so I got upset and yelled at him, "You yelled at me!" He gets mad again and starts walking out. I tell him I need him upstairs and he says too bad and leaves. I go upstairs.
Just as the doctor comes and gets me, he shows up. Still pissed off. But by now I'm really mad at him too. we go in the office and I talk to Dr Fouss. I tell him everything I am dealing with and that before the medication was lowered, that I was in a slight depression. But started to tell him about things that lead up to that, mainly the bedbugs, dealing with putting distance between Cassie and I, dealing with Cassie and my parents not wanting to come in the house because they know about the bedbugs. That when I talk about the bedbugs, I'm accused of being obsessive about them.
When I asked Dr Fouss to explain depression to hubby, Dr Fouss said this didn't give me a free pass to be mean to other people. At that point, I gave up hope in having someone understand everything that I was going though. I realized that no matter what my fears, nobody else understood. Hubby got mad when I was explaining to him after my therapy session with Steve Tuesday night. Cut me off when I was talking about that down deep, I was mad too. At him and Frank, for not taking initiative to do anything about the bedbugs, for telling me I was obsessive when talking about it, for Frank not doing laundry every other day and vacuuming every other day. For Frank sleeping in between two comforters instead of sheets like everybody else. And we have to provide all the bedding! Frank came to us with just his clothes. But hubby got mad at me, cut me off. I was trying to explain how I was feeling and the thoughts in my head and he wasn't listening.
I talked to him a little longer and he then went downstairs to his office to smoke pot and hang out a little. Earlier in the day, I had told him I was feeling vulnerable and when he came home, I understood he had to go to his office, but really, I needed him to come sit with me, touch me occasionally, spend time with me, and tell me everything was going to be ok. Eventually he came up and did that.
So I realized that I am alone. I cannot explain how I am feeling, how vulnerable I feel, how scared I am, and how reactionary I am, and have anybody understand. I realized I have to shut up about the bedbugs, I can't talk to anybody about them, I have to keep this to myself. If the bedbugs are going to fought and gotten rid of, it's completely up to me. Hubby told me that if I wanted him and Frank to help, I just had to tell them, every single time I wanted them to do something. The times I have talked individually to them and together to them and told them that we needed to be vacuuming every other day at the most, keep all the clothes bagged and sealed to keep them out of cracks and crevices, apparently isn't enough. Hubby is telling me I have to turn into a nice nag. I'm responsible for telling people what to do, I'm the one responsible for everything! But I have to find a way to ask them for help, without sounding obsessive and annoying them.
So after hubby dropped me off back home, I sat upstairs and cried for awhile. I feel completely and utterly alone in my mental anguish. And I realized that he's tired of it. I'm looking for someone who will understand when I get upset and yell, I'm scared, and I want them to reach out and say "Hey, what's the matter? It's going to be ok. I'm here with you." But that won't happen. I tried to explain this to him Tuesday night. But he didn't listen, he was too busy being mad at me.
So I realized the only person I can really talk to is my therapist. So I will stop bothering hubby with my thoughts, fears and irrational-ness. For now, I will try to shut off my feelings. Tonight I will go back up to my dosage of 15mg of Safris. It will take 4-7 days for the medication to be full strength in my system again. Hopefully I will start sleeping my 8-9 hours again. Hopefully that will help on my outlook on life.
Though I am not physically tired, I am mentally weary. I have given up. But apparently I am selfish and wrong. This is all my own fault. I have to be understanding of other people, not thinking about myself and how I feel. I'm to blame for hubby being tense all the time. I should be trying to make his life easier because he works hard. I can't address a problem once and expect help to deal with it, it's all my fault for thinking that I could. I have to not react when hubby raises his voice, whether he knows it or not, whether it's because of me or not. I have to remain even keeled so he can feel better and not get more upset. I'm to blame for thinking he was my everything and would be mentally supportive when I was having hard times. I am alone.
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