Today was an exhilarating day! It started early, at 615 oh-my-gosh early in the am! I was excited and scared, my meeting with Father Paul was at 7. Hubby got up to go with me, bless him. We got in the car, he scraped the ice off the windshield and then he hit the windshield fluid. That caused us to freeze up as we were driving. We pulled over and scraped the windshield again. In a few minutes we warmed up and traveled onward to the Catholic Church. Hubby didn't want to go in with me, fearing the meeting would end up focusing on him and his non-believe in the Catholics and he wanted me to have my time with Father Paul focusing on me and my situation, my desire to come back home to the beginning of my true faith, where I last felt...not whole, but something like that. I yearn for the time when I was immersed in my faith. When I was a senior in high school, I told a nun that I felt called to join the sisterhood. She told me that I should go to college and then come back when I had something more to offer, see if I still felt the same way. My life turned upside down after that. To say I would go back and change anything would be to say I don't love my daughter because if it weren't for the course my life took, all the ups and downs, I would not have had her and I can't imagine my life without her. So I would gladly go through all my pain and sorrow to the point of having her but then I would change a few things. But, I digress.
I met Father Paul in the Church lobby and introduced myself. He had me follow him to his office and we sat down. He told me that he read my email and knew he had to contact me immediately, the fear was apparent in my message. The mere thought that I was so afraid that there was no hope for me to come back, that I was afraid he was going to tell me I was going to Hell. He had to call me right then. To tell me that there is hope. I was welcomed. I could come home.
I talked a little about some of the choices I had made over the years, some of the abuses I had suffered and the betrayal of my mind. Being diagnosed with DID and PTSD and all the work I have done to get to where I am today, in a stable and loving relationship, starting to venture out of my house and trying to make friends, joining the Red Hat Society. Father Paul asked me if I was journaling and I told him I was doing it as a blog and he said good. I asked him what I had to do. He said that his beliefs and the beliefs of Pope John were the same, the Church needs to fulfill the needs of the individual. The Church needs to be a welcoming place, accepting of all and if felt like I wanted to come back, well, he was there to help me succeed. Father Paul looked me right in the eye and told me that he could pray with me and give me absolution. Forgive me all my bad choices and happenings. We prayed and I felt a sense of relief, a weight lifted. I felt fresh.
After we were finished, father Paul invited me to come to mass and celebrate with him, this special mass for a certain sect of the Catholic Church, 6 people we dedicating their lives to serving in a special way. I didn't quite catch the name of the group but I was there as one of their witnesses. Hubby had joined me for this mass. When it was over, we left as hubby was more than ready to go. He said that he would support me in my quest for my faith, and come with me to mass. Once a week. So tomorrow when I go, I will go alone. Because today he was with me.
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